Dear Tiny

It is with great fear that I have to say that you seem like a hyper active kid. See during our last visit to the doctor you could not hold still for a second so the doctor could take your measurements, never mind that we still after 18 weeks (at the time) we could not tell if you are a boy or a girl. In addition dearest one I felt your first move a couple of days ago, which means you are ahead of schedule in that department.

Both daddy and I are so excited feeling your little legs kicking inside me, but that really brings the fear of hyper active kid. See all my life I wanted active children, I was like that and so was hubby, for me it is a sign of healthy and smart kid. So don't worry we are happy that you active.

Can't wait to see you : )

PS: I like keeping this e-dairy I think I will enjoy reading them later on and so will my children.

The Gift of Ramdan

The Gift of Ramdan

Ramdan is not about food. It's a spirituality month. Feeling hunger and thirst is purifying of the soul – or so I see it- since you get to concentrate on more important nourishment, the nourishment of your soul and heart.

At the same time its not the month to have no food either. See over cooking and thinking about the food keeps your mind concentrated on the wrong issue. At the same time knowing that you don't have enough food to feed your family keeps your mind away from the purpose of Ramdan. There needs to be a balance.

No one can ask a mother or a father not to think about the next meal, if they don't know if they are going to be able to provide it. I am one of the people- and will always be- who believe in sustainable development, food packages are not that in any sense or form. But a we have no choice !

We at life makers try our best to deliver as much food packages, to the most needy families in Ramadan, help us do that by either volunteering or giving from your heart, help us give them at least some peace of mind this Ramdan, so that they too can cultivate this spiritual month.

Please help us give them the gift of Ramdan.

http://www.lifemakersjo.com/home.htm

PS: the photo is of a little girl we met at one of tours delivering the food packages

One

One

Friday 15^th of August marked our one year anniversary! I cannot believe it has been a whole year, sometimes it just feels we got married yesterday, at other times it seems we have been married for ever. I guess it’s a good feeling, I'm not board in the relationship and at the same time I'm comfortable as if we have been together forever.

The other day I washing my hands and I remembered an early argument me and hubby had, he is used to using a regular soap bar for washing his hands and showering. I on the other hand prefer liquid soap and shower gill, not only for myself but for him, since we have a navy blue bathroom and regular soap leaves a white residue, that makes the tub and sink look dirty just hours after it has been cleaned.

Long story short, he adopted the shower gill fast, but the soap took some time and resistance. The other day we were shopping and he naturally picked the liquid soap in the fragrance he liked. Moral of the story is that after a year I have changed a lot of my habits and he has changed a lot of habits, and now we have our habits!

Strange

Strange

she walked through the streets of this city for a long time, she knows the streets and cafes….she knows the trees, every corner every stone. Or at least she thought she did. See she got new glasses and then after a long absence she took a walk again in the same streets ….and they looked different ! was she blind to some details ? or did the streets change in time? Which one is the real city the new or the old

Strange how a stroll in the past looks a lot different, even though not much time has passed. Strange, how the same things steer different emotions in us.

PS: written under the influence of headache and unbalanced pregnancy hormones

The day I fell in love with you ….

The day I fell in love with you ….

On the 2^nd of August is the day I fell in love with you. Before that I had a mix of feelings. I could not pinpoint what exactly I was feeling. See to be completely honest I could not believe you were there, but yesterday at the doctor's office, I saw you move your tiny hand to your face, and move your legs …..And I just could not believe my eyes. You ARE there alive and kicking!!

Walking out of the doctors office, I could not stop thinking about you and missing you, I never held you in my arms but I feel them aching to have you in them, I can't wait to hold you, smell you and just be with you.

We still don't know if you are a boy or a girl, but both your daddy and I could not stop smiling all day. For the time being I shall call you tiny : ) for a fetus you are tall but since you still fit in me - when you come out you will see what I mean- you are still tiny.

So dear Tiny mommy fell in love with you, and I cannot wait to see you in person and not on a screen. Daddy cannot wait either he just lights up when he looks at you at the screen or when he touches my tummy where you are.

Emotional

Emotional

I read a lot of articles about how emotional and sensitive pregnant women can get. But never could I have imagined that I would cry because of a rude taxi driver!!

This morning I stopped a taxi and told him where I was going, he paused un happily for a minute and then started the meter, and he was huffing all the way, even though its not that close ! the meter reads usually about 850 fils. Any way when I got to the office I gave him the fair in coins since I had only large bills, he takes a look at his palm and almost screams at me as I was getting out of the car " what's this ?!" I look at his hand an apparently I gave him a 250 fils coin instead of half a JOD. And he acted as if I was trying to rob him. I was looking in my purse for a 250 fils coin and he maid this load EFFFFT sound and hit something in the car trying to control his anger.

I really have no idea what was wrong with this man, but as I was getting out of the car my tears were streaming dawn my face. I cannot believe that a taxi driver made my cry.

The point of no return

All my life I did not imagine that there is such a thing, a point in life or a commitment that you just cannot bail out of. You find school too much to handle take a year off, change your major or quit all together, it may not be the smartest decision you make, but you can and you have the choice to do so. A job you can walk away from, even marriage you can just wake up one morning and decide it's no longer the thing for you.

This feeling was a safety net for my sanity all my life, the feeling that once things get to difficult or too bad, I can look for my best interest and leave. That does not mean I'm a quitter of any sort, but that gave me the feeling of control over my life.

So there is no turning back on this ! that was my thoughts at the moment I saw the positive result of my pregnancy test. I was happy, excited and scared at the same time. You cannot believe the mixed feelings I had at the moment. Hubby had the same feelings, we both love children and we wanted ones of our own, but still at the moment it came true we could not control our feelings.

We have made a commitment for life to take care of our child, and this is one thing neither of us has the choice, or will ever consider not following through and giving it our best, even when things are tough.

I hope my tone does not give the wrong impression, I'm so happy and excited, I'm going to finish my first trimester soon. I kept the news secret till I was sure, see with no belly and no movement you just cannot imagine that its true, all I had were two red lines on a stick. But as we went to the doctor and saw the baby things started to slowly sink in.

The due date is around the 25^th of January 2009!!

Lost in life ...

Lost in life …

Time flies… busy lifestyle ….lots of responsibilities … fresh love …fun and sun ….travel….giving back to my kin … corporate power struggles …. Career ….friends ….family ….

The list can go on and on ….but I just realized that in this list, there is no me, there is me the friend, me the daughter and sister, there is me the wife, there is me the career woman…..but no ME ! I have been through this so many times in my life. I make my mind that I want to achieve something, or in my case so many things. And then I go through the motions, with spirit at fist …then I loose touch with my self.

Its time for me! Now, more than anytime in my life this realization, resolution and determination is vital.

I need to get back in touch with me, nurse my self, nourish my soul, take care of my brain. And get ready for the challenge to come. For this one I need to be all that I am and can be.

Reminders ....

Reminders ….

For a while now I got this habit of going back to my old posts and reading them. To tell you the truth most of the time it's just because I enjoy them, and sometimes I'm just curious to see what was going on in my life during the same period last year. That got me to thinking what would my children think when they go over their mother's blog once they are old enough to understand, provided my blog is still alive by then of course.

Most of us don't know each other, so when we start to read a blog there is not preconception, and we get to know the person through their thoughts. But what would people who know us personally think when they read our posts. Well friends will not be surprised, but what about your boss ? your mom? Mostly I would find it really strange to read about my parents thoughts, ideas and emotions from before I was born.

I guess I will need to have children, and then wait for them to grow up, maintain my blog for that long and just wait to see what they will think of their mom. I wonder that will they say ……

Yes I'm still alive !

Yes I'm still alive !

It has been ages since I took the time to write a post, a lot has been going on during the time. We had an office move which takes a lot of time and energy, traveled a bit, took a long training course, for which I still have to take an exam in order to be certified. So all in all very busy!

Well it's my blog's second birthday and I did not even mark that occasion. I guess when you don't blog for a long while events and issues pile up. That you have no idea where to start to get back to blogging, so this post is kind of shoveling the snow off the driveway so you can get out.

A lot of new stuff happened during my absence …. But I will try to cover that post by post instead of cramming it all at once. Especially with my writing skills that became so rusted.

So people in case you care I'm still alive !

Day Dreaming

Day Dreaming

This has been one of my hobbies since I was a kid. I had a wild imagination when I was a kid. what I used to come up with fascinating games to play. A large tree in the school play ground was a house and each one had a room\ branch, our legos were weapons and anti missiles. The list is endless of the things I used to come up with as a kid.

Growing up I kept the habit of just drifting away in day dreaming, making future plans, imagining what I would do if something might happen, this is actually recommended by many experts, they claim that if you can imagine yourself succeeding in something you will be able to achieve it. Old time psychologists warned against day dreaming, but it has been found recently that it is beneficial.

I don't really care if some expert says its good or it's bad, I enjoy it immensely and it's my way of planning my future and my actions. I hate surprises! Well not all surprises but the situations that need a reaction or a decision from me, which I did not have the time to think about and analyze. So by day dreaming I get to think of situations that may or may not happen, this way I'm not ambushed.

Lets say day dreaming, helped me plan, relax, and prepare my self for upcoming events ….it may sound silly or freakish but that's one of my little secrets.

Veteran moms ….HELP!

Veteran moms ….HELP!

Enjoy your time before you have kids …these are best days of your life, they will not last long so enjoy them …..kids will kill any joy you have in your life….these are examples of actual things mothers told me, I can see that they love their children to death, but for some reason children are a burden, I know taking care of children especial a few of them, is not an easy job. But I was shocked !!

I mean I would love to have kids some day; actually I would love to have a lot of kids. But I'm just shocked! I mean I started thinking, will I loose my life for hem, and will my career suffer? I look in the eyes of some of the mothers, and I see bitterness which is very scary to me, bitterness is such a negative feeling. Is it's natural to feel that way?

I understand that a mother cannot decide on the spot to go for the weekend to Lebanon, or go out to see a movie without planning for it, but when did the need to be more organized leave such a bitter taste. Hubby and I enjoy the fact that we can pack our bag and head to Syria or Aqaba on the spot. But will it hurt us that much to take the trip a couple of days after we feel the urge for it instead of a couple of hours?!

The advice and view point of veteran mothers would really be appreciated, but what I was able to rationalize on my own is that women who did not have much of a life to start with, will suffer a lot more than someone with different interests and life experiences. Someone who has good adaptation skills will have an easier time moving from being responsible for one person ( or should we count the husbands ;p )which is you, to being responsible for a fragile being that is totally depended on you.

The responsibility is great. but there are bright sides to having children and taking care of them, besides if you put your mind to it you can still have a life that is your own, and be a good mother at the same time, it just takes some determination, planning and understanding that you will never be perfect !

Is what I believe correct? I'm I delusional? When I'm alone I feel that I totally make sense, but when I listen to the things some young moms say I just cannot not wonder. HELP !

Louder than words

Louder than words

Actions speak louder than words ! it is a universal fact, if someone keeps boasting how generous they are you don't believe them if they don't act generously, they can say it all they like but until they show it, it has no meaning what so ever. Someone can claim they are your best friend, but until they stand by your side during tough times. Its just talk and talk is cheep.

Then comes love, love relationships including marriage, is somewhat different. Talk is not cheep it's important. I claim to men and women alike, maybe to women more frequency is needed than for men, but nonetheless equally important. Don't get me wrong. No woman would believe a man when he says he loves her, when he does not show it in another way besides words. A man who beats his wife and then tells her she is his sunshine is laying, this is not what I'm talking about.

What I mean is that it's not enough to act according to your feelings towards your husband \wife \fiancé … you have to voice these feelings, they need to hear them and feel them. Seeing the love in someone's eyes is amazing, but at times actions need to be further enriched with words. You can show your husband the respect you have for him in many ways, it will show in the way you talk to him, when you ask for his advice and how you talk bout him to others, but it would not hurt you if you tell him that from time to time, and at the same time you will affirm your actions and make him feel good.

See humans go through ups and downs, through happy times and sad ones, the consistency of your spouse's acts of love and respect is the safety blanket you have to shield you from the world, but during the rough times an extra boast of sweet words is essential. They don't have to be during bad times, they are equally important during good times as well; they don't have to be as frequent and as constant as our actions, but are as important.

Jordan Land of contradictions

Jordan land of contradictions

In answering the call for the blog about Jordan day, here I am blogging about Jordan ! even though I'm in so much pain due to the muscle spasm in my back, so it might be the pain killers talking : )

I have felt for a while that Jordan is full of contradictions, which actually gives it its distinct taste. We all can think of a million examples, but last weekend I was just put face to face with it.

Friday morning hubby and I went to "Ghamadan" park because hubby had a softball game, did you know Jordan has a softball league? You will see there people from the upper class enjoying a game they probably came across, by being abroad for part of their lives. Expensive cars, a LOT of airheads, but I have to admit a lot of fun !

Saturday, I was on a trip with another lady and two of the guys who volunteer with us at Life Makers, we had a scheduled visit to the families who applied for micro project funding from us. We saw poverty; we saw perseverance, dignity and hospitality.

It is amazing how our society has the rich, who in most cases do not know of the existence of the poor. I bet if I asked one of the ladies at the softball game: can you buy an outfit for the game for JOD 65? I will bet anything that they will say: well a top maybe but an outfit I don't think so (giggles). Well why JOD 65? Because that is how much the widow we met on Saturday has as income to support her four daughters.

The list of contradictions is long, but this touched me profoundly, how we can spend in one night out, more than a family spends in a month. I guess this might be true every where in the world, but it sadness me that this is true in Jordan, and that most of us are oblivious to the fact.

lend us a helping hand !

Too many means too little

Too many means too little

Too many things going on that is, lead to too little blogging ! It has been a long while, and though I would have given any thing at many points, just to pose life for a second and take time to write. Alas I was not able to ….now I'm just not moving from here until I write a post !

So here are the things that are going on:

1- Power battles in the corporate world. Using weapons on mass control like titles and org charts! Modern day territory marking

2- Travel, I was on a business trip to Syria, it was loads of fun and I managed to squeeze in some work : )

3-Hubby finally got to understand what I mean when I say I'm moody

4- I found out that my life would be a lot better if I learn how to be more patient!

There are lot of other events, some happy ..some sad, and each of the points above need a post on its own, but we must make the best with what we have.

For each its place

For each its place

For as long as I can remember I was one of those people, who just cannot leave work at work. ALLAH knows I tried but it never worked for me. Best case scenario would be that I would think about work and receive untimely calls, worst scenario would be actually taking work home even after working for 12 hours or more.

We all know we should not do that, and that its not healthy but I could never do it. Until unexpectedly yesterday after work I was in the car with hubby and he was asking me about a particular issue at work and how I handled it, I was talking about it and all of a sudden the magical words came out, I left the office I want to forget about work.

I can't tell you how happy hubby was, and how surprised I was ! I guess after five years of work I'm finally changing my attitude, don't get me wrong I love my work and I'm the best at it, but I still would like to live my life away from it.

When you achieve all your dreams

I had no fear of that happening to me since I have a lot of big dreams. Thus I never even thought of the concept. Well that is till this weekend when I was talking to mom and I said if I had X amount of money, I can achieve a lot of my dreams( financial ones) and then concentrate on the other great things I would like to do.

Mom said " achieving all your dreams early is not a good thing" she then told me this story –part of a novel- of a Moroccan merchant who was not married and was very well off, one day a man asks him why don't you go to hajj, the merchant said " hajj is my long life dream, if I achieve it I will not have any thing to live for".

I may differ that since we humans always strive for more, one day's peek is the next day's bottom. But still come think of it the fun part of achieving the dream is not sitting at the top but striving up hill. For granted achieving a goal feels great but achieving all of them and not having anything to look forward to is a scary concept.

Things can only get better

Things can only get better

They say once things reach rock bottom they can only get better, well I sure hope they are right. Sine I feel very sad and angry!! and all the anger and frustrated thinking left me with no energy. Funny how I had in the past month great and happy things to blog about yet I did not have the time. Now that I'm feeling down I'm making the time.

It seems that the long weekend came just in time, I have some files ready to take home and work on, but I'm really tempted to leave every thing at the office, and just kick back and relax! I think that will clear my mind and I might even change my mind about resigning. but I just can't think straight now,the thing is the only thing I can think of now is that I need a hug and a nap.

So what does rock bottom look like?