Questions on my Mind

If your words have no sound, no echo, no effect ...do you keep your peace? scream ? cry ? Can people choke on words ? Can ideas kill ? Can feelings drown us? Some of the questions in my mind today ....Can questions not answered ... ?

Me and My life

Me and My life

I have a wierd relationship with writing. I love it but I'm not good at it as wish. I don't have that magical comand on language, nevertheless I write to express myself.

For a while I felt out of mt self, with the second preganancy and delivery. but now I feel that itch to write again. I have now Mira who is 3 years and Maria who is 3 months :) the pic abouve is taken right after birth.

I guess this is my way of saying I Back !! if anyone remembers me :)

Delusion or Illusion

Delusion or Illusion I came across people who are all talk and no action. I personally I could spot them really fast. Some of them I love to spend time with them. They are what we call” 3ree9 “I have a friend who is just that and I love to spend time with him, he is hilarious but you know that nothing he said is true. When I whispered that in hubby’s ear he got the question mark of his face and started to have fun. Things are not funny though when you put your trust in someone, who you expect to be a professional, a philanthropist and a friend then turns out to be a disappointment, an insulting disappointment. Have people become better at pretending, or did I become gullible all of a sudden. I have no explanation how can people preach what they don’t practice. And get damn good at preaching and damn bad at practice. Sadly some believe that they do in fact preach what they practice… is it delusion or an illusion I no longer trust myself to judge. PS: There are far more important issues at the time,- which I’m not an expert to write about-but I had to write something so I don’t explode.

Old School vs. New School

Old School vs. New School

As I have mentioned before,during the past few weeks I have been in Serbia handling a few documents. and in the newly democratized country or newly capitalized country if you would. things are bureaucratic and foggy. so i was going crazy registering and getting my passport and registering Mira. any way that is not the point. what struck my attention is the old family friend who has been helping us work through the system.

I noticed that he tends to listen to what ever the "civil servants" would tell him whiteout discussion. My brother or I would question and ask about the regulations, he did not have the inclination to question anything they say or any document they ask for. which I find really strange. another thing is he wants to finish a task before starting the next one, even though we would save a lot of time and money for that matter if we did a few steps in parallel, he resisted every time my brother or I would suggest doing so.

Not sure if this is really the difference between older people who lived in another time, or is it an ex-Communist regime thing. but I am always struck by how older people " our parents generation" view a working week as short waiting period were we view it as a huge waste if time, just because we live in a very fast time. and they lived in a time where things were taken slower.

I see this as an advantage we have over them, but also I lament the fact that we did not have the chance to sit back and relax. and not to have to stress about deadlines, not to have to run in circles all the time. Time means more to us than it did not them, a lot of time what my dad would view as a task needing a week, I think if I worked in this speed I would be fired !

Not sure which is better and which is worse but there is a difference. I guess one day we would be old school too.

PS. The photo above is taken by my brother in the near by park a couple of days ago.

Walking the streets of my childhood

This s a picture we took yesterday

Walking the streets of my childhood Walking through the old streets of Nis is an amazing feeling. I decided to put the never ending trail of paperwork behind me for the weekend and just walk the streets of my childhood. its is such and interesting feeling walking with my daughter in the city that has witnessed my own first steps. seeing her play in the places I did play in when I was a child and discover the things that I have once discovered. in a way I feel like I see my self as a child. Somehow winter in Serbia has a distinct smell, the smell of cold air filled with snow and the smoke for the old chimneys somehow bring back long lost memories of days in the snow and bundling up in small warm homes. I am in a way happy that my daughter will have my memories and she can build on them. and maybe I will see her one day a woman with her child in the streets of Serbia.

How human we are ....

How human we are ...

How can someone be with us one moment breathing living loving and all of a sudden with no preparation leave. I like to believe, no I believe that they start a new and fresh life a form of life we cannot imagine, they just move on the natural next step of life. I guess we get prepared for this day in a way or another, but the idea and the pain is so profound to conceive and understand that we choose to ignore it in the hope that it will not happen to us or to the ones that we love.

I guess we get put face to face with our weakness and humanity, it’s a humbling experience. In a strange way it is empowering to know that we can handle pain and we can find hope and life and happiness even in the darkest of times. This makes you think of how this life will never be perfect, and how we need really to count our blessings. My daughter and my husband have helped me in so many ways, that now the small things are put in perspective. You get to see and feel first hand the marvel of humans …the marvel of the creation. The marvel of the creator

Feelings have a force so strong so universal, language imprisons feelings its like trying to fit the sea in a jar, you attempt to take the feelings and memories of the happy times near the see, by picking a few rocks or shells or some salty water. But it cannot be the same it’s a small and trivial part of what sea actually is.

Words fall short, I wish I had a better grasp on words and language that I could use them to express what I feel inside maybe it could release some of the pressure inside. I wish my word and prayers could turn into angles that will travel the skies and depths of the earth and carry my message of love and gratitude. I wish I could in some way some form help you and be with you…I wish I can send you some of the love you so generously surrounded us with. I wish and I wish and I pray and I miss you and love you

To the fountain of love


This is one of the hardest things I had to write in my life. And I say I had because there is a burning feeling that is compelling me to write something about her.

Dear mother …its so hard to live without you, without your warmth and love. I could not expect- being such an independent person as I am- that I would be missing you so much. So many times I wish I could just see you for one more time. To see the love in your eyes. You have given me so much in my life, more than I ever gave you credit for, more than I thanked you for. I know you lived your life trying to give us the things that you never had and wished you had, and you died with us having a lot and you having nothing. I have hope against hope and belief against belief that you are in a better place.

I don’t feel like my self ..I feel like a little girl that has lost her mother. What is keeping me sane is the promises of seeing you again, and that you are some place happy.

Belle, the original cast(Garou, Daniel, Patric)

This is one of my favorit songs of all times. I thought I would share it with the world.

I actually love Garou :) he has an amazing voice.