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Monday, December 17, 2007

Blank page

Blank page

Its that time of the year again. With all the parties, food, sweets and new year resolutions, one has to stop and think! Some think about the holiday pounds, some lament the passing year, some plan for the future. I find myself not to be any of them. You see I still feel a bit dizzy from the changes in my life and work.

I cannot help but feel that every day is a gift and a struggle at the same time. I stand one foot in this year that still has reminiscence of my old life, and another foot crossing the door to the New Year that has everything new in it. It has no recollection of me alone, of the way things used to be. A blank page if you wish.

Looking at the blank page, I feel happy for the new and exciting things that I can write in it with hubby, yet I feel a bit out of balance since I don't have a formatting to use in writing the page. This way I can be creative and free, but with all the uncertainties that come with this freedom. Nothing is perfect I guess and adventure has its perks.

So this year, no resolutions I'm buckling up and enjoying the ride!

Happy Eid, Merry Christmas…. Enjoy the food and sweets and your family and friends …but most of all enjoy sleeping in : )

Tuesday, December 11, 2007



We humans dwell the earth for some decades, some of us longer than others. Leaving footprints behind us, Legacies if you wish, some last as long as we are there to refresh them, and some linger for a very long time, even turning into a path that many people take.

Have you ever looked at footprints of someone and were able to relate to that person. I came across footprints of an amazing man, seeing glimpses of his heart and mind, last night as I went through some of his collections, going through pages he went through so long ago, looking at the treasures he gathered in his short years, I somehow related to him. Felt his existence so strongly and profoundly, that I felt I have met him.

He lived a little over four decades but left footprints that some try to measure up to, some like me just try to learn and relate, see I did not have the chance to meet my father in law, he died twenty five years ago. In some way I feel that I'm starting to get to know him. May Allah bless his soul.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Thoughts of the weekend

Thoughts of the weekend

To what end will we go to look good, how much pain will we endure? And how much money will we pay?

Why are all the beginnings scary?

Could we get so hurt, to the level that we get scared of happiness or the chance of happiness?

Sometimes silence is more profound than all the words in the world.

Matchmaking is fun : )

Sunday, December 02, 2007



The other day Qwaider talked about priorities between work and family. I wanted to post a comment there but did not work out, besides I have a lot to say on the matter so a separate post makes sense.

At a point in your life saying work is my number one priority is very easy to say. At other times saying my family comes first is very easy too. But I guess there is always the in-between times.

Before I was engaged and then married, the answer was easy work in my priority. I worked late, weekends and had a lot of work related dinners and trips. This was only natural and I did not ever think about it, I would orchestrate my life around work, what is left is divided between family, friends and volunteer work (which I considered as part of work any way)

Then I got engaged and I came head to head with needing to make a choice. My fiancé wanted to see me as much as possible, but I have a demanding job, which meant I needed to make a decision if I will work late or just leave on time, so I can spend some time with my fiancé. Later on I got married and things became more challenging. I needed to be home after hours directly since my working hours are not that short to start with. And beside missing my husband, I had a home to keep, we had people visiting to congratulate us, and other family responsibilities.

At that point I had to decide that my husband and our life together is more important than my work, and that I have to settle for giving 100% but not 150%, that yes at times I might need to skip a dinner or taking staff on tourist trips. That I will need to turn off my phone and not take business calls at all hours of day and night.

Now this might sound so normal to some people, but this is not that easy. You are used to a way of life and a way of work, changing it (even if means less work) is not that easy. And as your whole life changes you will hold the one stable thing in your life –you job- as you are holding to dear life. This does not mean in any way you don't love all changes in your life, but no matter how great they are, they are still changes that you need to adapt to.

Mothers may face the same thing, all of a sudden they have this bundle of joy that they love, but at the same time all the responsibilities associated with it, staring to feel like they are dissolving in this new role, thus holding on to the familiar even though it might be energy consuming. This might not even be the case, but this is how I see it.

Monday, November 26, 2007



I was walking yesterday with hubby in down town Amman. We always have great fun there, this time more than ever I noticed my fear of stepping on manholes! Strange I knew that but there is no place in town like down town with the number on manholes! It sounds silly but I innately avoid stepping on manholes. I remember as a kid we heard a lot of stories of kids falling in a manhole and I guess it got stuck with me. Come think of it parents most likely made these stories up.

Thinking of the post I made a search about manholes and fear off, not to my surprise I found an article mentioning the fear of manholes, they even gave it a name MANHOLIA.

It’s a silly thing. It's not like I cannot make myself step on one. It's just that without thinking I avoid stepping on them.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Selfish is good

Selfish is good

My best friend, nay my soul sister has given me some pearls of wisdom yesterday. I called her up complaining about something and after a long talk from my side and her just listening to the end, she talked me through the problem and the jest of what she told me is be selfish.

Well at first this may sound like something very negative, on the contrary this is very positive, it means take care of your own needs first then the rest of the world. When you are well yourself you will be more helpful to others. Now I know this very well and I may have even mentioned it sometime before, but I guess I needed to hear it from someone else.

I have this tendency to need to help every one around me, not being able to help them or change someone's mood (for which I have a natural talent) makes me feel like a looser. This is one aspect I need to work on, at times it comes easy and I do put myself first, but I guess there is some kind of vanity in me that refuses to believe that there is something I attempt to do and fail! It’s a bit complex, I guess some of it is wanting to help others, but a part is that I refuse to believe that there are things even I cannot change.

So in some cases selfish is good !

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Tamara in the kitchen

Tamara in the kitchen

Yesterday was yes the election day ( AKA holiday), but also known as my first day to cook in my new home. My mother in law is so sweet and is keeping us in a prolonged honey moon and thus she still cooks for us.

So yesterday since I was at home I decided I will cook for every one. The dish of the day was ' Kabseh" I know how to cook a great kabseh, but this is not a cooking post it’s a Tamara cooking post.

As you will notice at first I had time to take photos of the steps of cooking, but as time went by and my rusty skills stood in the way, I forgot to take at least one photo of the end Product! Cooking something that takes a lot of preparation time, Calls for special kitchen time management, and business planning skills that in my case have become so rusty.

Well at least the end product was yummy !every one enjoyed it and I passed the cooking test with flying colors, did not pass my blogging about cooking test though, but I'm sure there are many other occasions to come.

Happy elections\ cooking day!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Words my friends

Words my friends

Words are live entities that I mold to vessel my ideas and beliefs, yet I pose not knowing what to say and where to start, which amazes me even more since I was never in loss for words, words actually are my friends and its common knowledge I can talk myself out of a death sentence.

I insist to be able to chisel a few words that people can understand and tell them all about how I feel … now I understand it’s the feelings part that is the problem, I can shape my ideas into words soft and powerful but my feelings when so powerful and overwhelming seem to be a challenge.

All my life I felt that my words give life to my ideas, now I see that my words may imprison and mutilate my feelings, yet again I'm persistent to say my peace. Intro or no intro I still feel helpless …wordless when I want to breath out all my feelings….with you life has a new taste …color and new feelings have been born that my old tools stand helpless to shape.

How can words describe the feeling I have, when I open my eyes to see that what woke me up was your gentle look, as you lay there looking at me waiting for me to wake up….how can they my friends give a visible entity to the feelings I get when you softly kiss my hand just because I preparing you dinner… or when I feel protected by you…loved by you.

Sitting here in surrender I say ….words may age old friends you are not as powerful as I thought you to be.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007



Today I got the urge to read my old posts, it was really refreshing to be honest I enjoyed some as if I read them for the first time. So I thought let me go back to October last year to see what was going on at the time in my life, just to find out I had only one post that month ! telling people that I'm back to the country, ironically enough the only post I have for this month is talking a little but about my short trip to Beirut.

It is just a coincidence I know, but I find it so strange that with all the changes in my life and still October looks a lot like October last year, posting wise at least.

Well under public demand here are a few more Lebanon photos.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

When Two worlds collide

When two worlds collide

Okay that is it I am totally and utterly sleep deprived! Work has become so hectic and boring that its not even funny.

I miss blogging and I hate the kind of ramble posts that are not abut something in specific. But things have been going on so crazy and fast that I don't have a moment to think of a post, or when I have some idea I don't have the time to put it in writing.

The 15th was my two month wedding anniversary, and I was talking to hubby that sometimes I feel we have been married for a life time, and in other moments it still seems like yesterday. Time has taken a strange turn recently that I still cannot comprehend.

Every one knows I'm crazy and compulsive so is my hubby, but what we both did not expect is that we are going to join forces on this one, so Thursday morning we decide that we should after all attend a friend's wedding, this would sound normal, had it not been in Tripoli in Lebanon.

So I take off of work a couple of hours earlier, pack our bag and we are off to Lebanon for a long weekend to attend a friend's wedding Friday night. We had loads of fun and it was great since we stayed in Amman for the Eid. But as you can see this ads to the fact that my life is getting crazier by the minute.

PS: this post has been written in two intervals, believe it or not ! and this is one of my favorite photos that I took in Lebanon.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Help us help them !

At this moment I should be actually drafting a contract! But I don't really feel like it, besides all this technical writing is killing any kind of writing urges I have. So I thought I should break the monotony and write a post. Does not have to be a literature piece just something not related to work.

It feels kind of mandatory to write a post about Ramadan, every one writes one, don't they? The most exciting part of Ramadan for me is the work we do at " life makers" for the Ramadan food packages, we packed the worth of forty thousand JOD last Ramadan, and we have been hoping we will be able to top that this year.

This means that last year we helped 3500 families feel less deprived during the holly month or Ramadan. The package cost is about JOD12 and its somewhat less than a restaurant bill we pay for an Iftar out with friends, yet this small amount will help a poor family get 15 kg worth of essential goods delivered to their door step.

Well as we say help us help them !

For donations you can call these number ( not mine ; p) : 0777840 820\ 079 5351921 ) or donate directly by depositing to our bank account : Islamic International Bank \ Gardens branch. Account number : 12701

Or you can join our volunteers for packaging and distribution of the food packages, for that as well you can contact the numbers above, if you cannot help you can spread the word.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

My ten cents worth

I was asked by my friends to tell them what I thought about married life. The thing that I thought I had to say of value in that subject was: "You will be the same person you have been all along" now this may sound obvious and down right stupid! but I argue its not as obvious, every one feels that their life will change after the big day.

Let me be the one to tell you, your life will change but you will be the same, you will not wake up one day and be the person you have envisioned yourself to be. If you are not happy before you get married chances are you will not be after, if you are board or depressed you will so soon after marriage, if not worse off since you will add to what ever you have, to the disappointment of married life not being all you have whished it will be.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing more beautiful than starting a family and being in love with the person you are married to. But first you have to take care of you and be happy then move on to starting a family. Don't go into a marriage with any kind of baggage it will be heavier than if you were single.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Smell tag ...

During the time of my engagement you had the first raw seat, to me enjoying my "life long hobby" of analyzing emotions and human nature, and now ladies and gentlemen please do join me, and read more about married life! I guess this is a blogging phase I have to go through as well.

Dima provided me with a creative way, for me to be my old self : ) the rules are simple, I have to mention at least five of my favorite smells, mention the person who tagged me, and tag three other people.

Freshly washed clothes: I love the smell of freshly washed clothes while they are still wet and after they dry as well in addition to freshly washed sheets and towels. for me to enjoy that smell up until now all I had to do is put the clothes that don't smell freshly washed in the bathroom hamper and a couple of days later they magically appear in my wardrobe, now days I have to wash them first ! Hang them to dry! Iron them and then enjoy the smell…..o but first I had to learn how to use the washing machine, avoid the fire that almost happened from melting connection wires. One more thing now I know what my mom used to complain about when I just put the things I wore once or twice in the hamper because I wanted them to be FRESH !!

The smell of my hubby : I believe that every person has their own distinctive smell, and I don't mean their perfume, though a persons perfume does connect to them, but their own personal smell again I don't mean by smell, the result of a couple of days of not showering ! or what you smell like after gym !

Coconut oil: I guess its because its linked to the smell of the beach and pool, and yummy stuff ! I love it ( did you notice how many people mentioned coconut oil in their posts ! strange)

Baby smell: after they have a bath, there is nothing in the world that is softer; it makes me feel all fuzzy inside

Coffee: the smell of coffee in the morning is like an invitation to a fresh new morning.

I was telling hubby how instantly I loved some folk songs the moment I have heard them, and told my mom how strange that was, she simply said " its not strange ! these are the songs you dad used to sing to you as a child " smells are like songs or maybe even stronger in holding memories. There are even some perfumes that even though I love I cannot use, because they are the smell of someone else ! it just does not work

Sunday, August 26, 2007

I'm Back

Happy and back from the sandy beaches
Fresh tanned and ready to face the screen again
With a list that is longer than my arm but ready to take on the task
I'm getting back slowly to every day life… its different but still the same
I guess I'm different but still the same ...

Wednesday, August 08, 2007


Its not official yet ! but I cannot help myself , I work for an international NGO " Non-governmental Organization" and I was their country Rep. so far, not bad for my years, so the office grew rapidly this last few months, and I just heard a rumor from two senior management people that I will be the Country DIRECTOR for Jordan soon !! I'm jumping up and down, I made country director before the age of thirty do you know how rare is that ? well not very actually, but VERY rare for a Hijabi local female staff !!

I will do more gloating about how amazing I am and how being workaholic pays off, when its official : )

Tuesday, August 07, 2007


My wedding is in 8 days !! do you know what does that mean ?! things are so hectic to the point I'm not sure what hectic is any more, My assistant at work is on vacation and I have to be in the office till the end of the week, which is a few days before my wedding. I have my volunteer work that I do need to do at least a few things a week, actually both me and my fiancé are still volunteering in at least 90% mode. We are starting a Training and HR development company, and we are having our first trainings a couple of weeks after the wedding date, so we are working hard on having every thing ready before the wedding.

Add to that Hinna party for the ladies, house final touches, my shopping, and dress appointments. I tell you I did not know what the hell did hectic mean until now. I know you people got fed up with all the lady bloggers who are getting married writing about hectic last days, but I could not help venting out !!

I am extremely happy al7amd LILAH ! my wedding is going to be a simple dinner party in a nice restaurant out of Amman, as I have wanted always, the great thing is that despite all skeptical people I found a person who agrees with me on this : )

I will let you know more details when I have the time to post.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Living in an air-conditioned world

Driving in my air-conditioned car from my air-conditioned supermarket back to my air-conditioned office, but the truth is I did not realize that I live in an air-conditioned world until I saw an old man digging through the trash can in the blazing heat !

A tear dropped from my eye, but do I really know what blazing heat is? Do I know what hungry is ? do we who are living in air-conditioned worlds know what is going on behind the glass ?

Thursday, July 26, 2007


Strange how someone who has never met you before, spells out what you are feeling in such eloquence that you are left speechless, heart torn and lost in their words. You turn on the radio in your car or hear a song on TV and you cannot but be stunned, how someone lifetimes away has simply taken all your feelings, and put them in words you could not have found yourself.

A simple look in someone's eyes can tell you what a particular song has done to them, strange how some sad songs remind us of happy times and how some very cheerful songs would bring a tear to some stranger's eyes, it may make sense to them but what is amazing is how fragile we are, how some words could bring out wounds we thought we have buried a long time ago.

They bring out hidden things, dreams yet not realized, fears yet not materialized, memories both happy and sad, even open a wound that you thought has healed. Strange what a group of words can do to the all mighty humans

Sunday, July 22, 2007


The morning rays are slowly creeping in through the drapes, as she lays there still half awake. Millions of lazy thoughts trickle through her head, millions of overwhelming emotions drown her soul. She feels like she did not sleep for months now, it’s a constant limbo of painful existence.

Who could have believed that question marks could be this painful, she did not know that unexplained selfish acts could be so profoundly effective. Haunting her during the day and creeping in bed with her making it simply impossible to drift into blissfulness. And since they have been creeping into her dreams as well she is getting no rest.

She drags her tired body out of bed and gets ready for yet another day or is it still the same day? She does not know nor does she have the energy to care, naturally she puts on the happy face at the door and walks out to face the crowds.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Parallel worlds

Its only recently that I have discovered that I'm easily entertained, walking on the thin sidewalk a foot at a time is a lot of fun. Jumping over larger stones is an adventure, finding a store that is named "3alan" and not finding one next to it named "Fulan" made me laugh out load.

Try to see the beauty and the humor in the small things, its very refreshing to see another layer of the universe that you live in, instead of the grumpy faces of the crowd try to look at the colorful patterns of their clothes, look into the yes of children riding in the car beside you instead of paying attention to the traffic jam you are in.

There is a lot of beauty around us, we just don't take the time of day to notice, next time you walk outside try to look for funny stuff or beautiful things, and I guaranty you that you will find plenty if you look sincerely enough.

I wish all of you a good hunt !

Monday, July 16, 2007


The more doors you open the more you know. The more doors you walk through the more certain you are that there are a lot more doors to follow. But opening the door is not enough you have to walk through it and move ahead.

Knocking on doors or just cracking a small opening in them does not count as opening the door, you have to move in full blast! which by the way does not mean you have to do so blindly, on the contrary you need to chose the doors wisely. Which bring us to how valuable it will be to hear the advice of someone behind the door, not the speculations from the person standing beside, who is equally ignorant of what is behind it as you.

Would you describe honestly and truly what is around you to some one who still did not open the door yet? I don't want to be too symbolic but I just remembered the Chinese proverb that says "Teachers open the door but you have to enter by yourself" looking at things in this way I feel so humbled to my teachers and guiders, they don't have to be school teachers it could be anyone who have taught you something. I feel grateful that I have been spared a lot of bad doors.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Home ....

The day I have returned to Amman I got a text message from a friend saying "welcome back home" which naturally got me to think on the concept of home. I don't think two sane people will disagree that a house is not a home per se.

Do we have to have one home? is home where you hang your hat ? or where you heart is? For me home is where you feel safe, where love is, the place you feel most comfortable in. A physical manifestation of you and your life, and thus it has your characteristics and contains your interests, and most importantly your loved one(s). Then you can call that physical manifestation home.

Adopting this definition home, could be a small apartment or a villa in the south of France. Taking it even further to some people it's their office, or parents house "even if they have their own". Would I be wrong if I claim that home maybe in the arms of your loved one, home can be their eyes

Are you home?

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Reporting From ...

Since I have been awy for a while out of the country, and i don't have the time to write a real post so this is a Pop question kind of a post, can you guess from the picture where i am in the world ?

Who ever guesses will... well no promisses : )

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Think !!

If one thing Amman is a city that is accustomed to detours, why didn't any one think of having detours planned and announced for today!! Thinking out side the box or being proactive would have been two great concepts to use for a day such as today.

People are stuck for hours in traffic, they are leaving they cars and are attempting to walk to their destination or just use public transportation, which is not effective to start with!

I think the person who is responsible for inadequate planning should be punished!!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

On a day like today

If you visit my profile page today you will notice a slight change, yes that is right I turned 29 today! I'm I freaking out ? yes a little bit : ) but they say age is just a number and what matters is how you feel, I feel great that is not the problem, and I don't worry how I look since if I'm as half as lucky as my mom I will get to my fifties still looking 10 years younger than I am, so that is not a problem, the problem is what have I accomplish, in the 29 years I have dwelled this green earth.

Sometimes it feels like a lot, and sometimes it feels like I'm still scratching the surface of life, did I do all the things I have to do in this life, No ! did I learn all I want to learn, NO ! have I left a mark in this life? thinking Addison I would say no, looking at all the people I know I would say, yes ! But as life has its ups and downs I'm not really sure.

I just have hope against hope that I am growing, I don't want to flip the pages of a calendar and say I have grown a year. I want to taste life, ponder, learn, observe and grow. Did I grow a year in this last year? I did learn a lot ….things have changed for me in so many ways, I can honestly say yes I have grown a year this year. This does not mean at all that I have reached my goal, but it feels warm inside that I'm growing.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Activities for couples in Amman

We all know this all too well, Amman does not have enough non-food related outlets. So since Mohammad and I have been going out daily you kind of run out of places to go, bearing in mind we don't want to triple our waste line by the wedding day, so we try to find places and things to do without food involved, so I'm attempting a list of things you can do in our beloved Amman, and by the way you don't have to be a couple to try these friends can use the extra activities.
1-Movies: this is the classic choice, its refreshing you can see a light movie and laugh together, or you can see a conversation provoking one depends on your mood .

2- Balling: if you are a fan of the game or not its very nice idea for going out, and we now have at least four balling alleys.

3-Picnics: I love picnics! you don't have to pack a lot of food or any thing, just a rug and some munchies and fruits and off you go, you can spend a very nice romantic afternoon or a whole day, try " abu Elsus" or " wadi al shita" if you live in west Amman they are less than half an hour drive.

4- Walking: taking nice walks in Amman is a challenge, but you can go to several places, the "Hussien Park" is a very nice place for walking, the later the less crowded. If you are fond of old Ammine houses like me, a walk in " Jabal Amman" looking at houses is a great walk, you can choose any thing you like, we even walked a couple of times in down town Amman, walking into quaint little shops. Bottom line walks are great and venues are plenty.

5- Stay at home: it’s a good atmosphere for talking without laud music, it’s a nice bond with his or your family, look through each others photo albums, or listen to music, read a book together "this could be done in the picnic as well"

6- shopping: shopping together for your future home, or something that one of you need, its great fun! And it’s a very bonding activity; believe me you will learn a lot from shopping together.

7- Check the social calendar in the news paper: you will find art galleries, foreign film festivals, and some other types of activities, granted the choices are limited but you will find choices to take you away from cafés and restaurants.

8-Road trip\ drive : From the suggestions of Dima and Qwaider, taking a drive out of town to a favorite destination " dead sea" or " Madaba" for example, while listening to your favorite music.

These are kind of general ideas, you can mix and match them to get your own favorite pastime together. Going to try out a new restaurant or café is fun, but spending all your time there is not healthy so finding additional activities is essential to me at least.

If you have any more ideas please share and I will add them to the list so we can have a list that is more comprehensive for fun activities in Amman.

Thursday, June 21, 2007


I cannot believe my self, I got to the One hundredth post and I did nothing, it was actually a depressing post! so I said I'm not in the mood of writing about my 100 posts, so I will talk about it on my corner's first birthday, and I missed that one as well !

The problem I'm not in the reflective mood today, but just flickering through my posts for the whole year I can see the ups and downs, my philosophical moods, my analytical moods, and my plain old quarks …so what is the color of your smile kind of thing : )

I feel my corner gives a window into my heart and brains at the same time, I can totally understand your confusion, I started to believe that people have the right to find me strange, I'm cool with that now ! well no one here told me they find me strange, but sometimes " in real life" I get that when someone from work sees me in a social event, some people who know me for years still get surprised from time to time.

I guess this is all for now, not the best piece of writing but I had to mark this post at least it’s a round figure : ) can you guys tell me your favorite post in the corner? Maybe I feel later like using my brain : )

Monday, June 18, 2007

On Being the change you don't want to be

I have seen all my life ladies getting engaged and then turning their back on their friends, she used to spend all her free time with them and after engagement she hardly ever sees any one of the old gang, then she gets married and she totally turns into another person, she would be sitting there but she is not the same person any more!

Now that I have crossed over to the other side, I see things a bit differently, I actually told my friends that as soon as you see me change into something that I'm not tell me and slap me back to my senses. Alas things are never that simple, you go through a major change in your life and its not easy at all, there is this special person that you would like to spend every minute of the day with, but there are other people in the equation, a whole new family " in law" there are the parties you have to plan, there are the phone calls to congratulate, then comes the wedding plans, the furniture and the house and a lot of other things! Take all that and add it to your already hectic life, someone still has to do you job which chances are, is still YOU.

At this point of being very busy and your emotions are all over the place, someone comes and says you don't call me as much as you did before, you are changed! This did not happen to me, my friends are being so supportive, which is the way things have to be. They are great friends and I'm so lucky to have their support. So friends be the source of support and relief to your bride friend and don't be an extra burden.

PS: if I post more than three engagement \ wedding posts in a raw slap me please !!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Climbing a mountain without ropes

Being a person so interested in human nature and relationships, I had so many observations and ideas about human nature and interaction, now I feel I'm being tested to the level of my conviction in my own deductions and advises, that I ever so generously used to share with the world for as long as I could remember.

You have to be patient, relationships need effort and time, trust and mutual respect are the foundations of a lasting love, all of those at one pint or another I had to practice after preaching about for so long.

The new thing that I discovered, and I practiced before I preached (there is a first time for every thing !), its letting go of all your guards and safety nets ! sounds simple, huh ? well in practice not so simple and it gets more and more complicated with age and experience. So what do I mean exactly, simply that the more you are open in a relationship of any kind ,the worse it will be if things don't work out or if the person you are with hurts you, so innately I think people don't open up very fast or completely.

It is simple act of self preservation, the less I open up the less hurt I will be if things go down the drain, me being a person who could not settle for a normal connection in any of my relationships I could not settle for second best with my fiancé, so one of us had to initiate the no guards or safety net. I do not claim its easy but I promise its worth it, because in love its either all the way or nothing, you get a profound sense of closeness and you take your relationship to the next level.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Two Reasons

I did not post for ages! I seem to do that from time to time jut disappear unwillingly for a while. Well I have two reasons for this time, first of all I had to do a LOT of technical writing that my creative part started to quiver into hibernation, This including the fact that I was very busy at work assigned to three different projects besides managing staff.

The second reason is that I got engaged ! can you believe it ? I'm personally still in a kind of a shock myself, he is a great guy my soul mate, we have known each other ( non-romantically) for four years and recently things developed very fast, I'm so happy that one of my friends is now my fiancé. So I'm in the over the clouds and pink classes kind of a phase.

Well I promise from now on more posts, and maybe a bit more details even ; p

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

One night

Tossing around in her bed fighting ghosts and fears, flooding her pillow with boiling tears. The pain in her heart is too great to take, and the night is too long and dark. She whispers " I love you... I miss you"

Tossing around in her bed fighting a desire to laugh as hard as she can, sweet tears of joy watering her rosy cheeks. The joy in her heart is too great and the night is too long. She whispers "I love... I miss you"

Tossing around in her bed wondering and wishing, she remembers one and she smiles and her soul floats with happiness. She remembers the other and her heart skips a beat, and a small tear materializes in her eye. she remembers herself and makes a small wish in the silence of the night to be as one of them soon. She whispers " I love you ....I miss you".

Different stories…..One night

More harm than good

I had a meeting yesterday in Jabal Al- Natheef yesterday, and I saw this ad if I may call it so. In theory an ad should sell an idea, now I'm not a marketing person but having common sense is enough to see that this will hardly sell any thing.

It totally disregards that smoking is an addiction ! a physiological one to be exact, and should be treated as so, I would think that they had this in mind thus used the religious approach. Which is used in the worse sense ever !

We could dissect on how many levels this is wrong and stupid but I will leave it at that.

Thursday, May 17, 2007


Walking though the beads door, the strong sent of oriental aromas filled his being with anticipation, with trembling hands and the red of embracement on his face, he approached the lady sitting on the floor in a hallow of colors and sparkle. She pointed to a pillow, he sat there without thinking. His mind was busy thinking of how stupid and rather desperate he was for even coming here.

He could not remember much of what she said later, she looked at his palm, and she threw stones on the red cloth. She said a lot of things that made no sense. Later on while walking in the clod weather with only distant echoes in his head and a sense of emptiness. Looking into people's faces, at droplets of rain lingering on branches.
Little do we all know that seeking truth may be an eluding path that may lead you to scary places. Take you on delusional trips, but the thing people seldom know is that the straight path is the way to the truth answers. It just takes a wise soul and a brave heart.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Goal oriented people

Since I don't have a car anymore \yet I'm taking taxies to work. With the usual cab driver philosophy, view on politics and his life story chit chat. They told me another thing about their personality that I bet they did not know they were saying or for that matter have.

I get into the taxi and tell the driver Um Utheina (going to the office) and some just go in the direction of Um Utheina and when we pass the 7th circle, he asks: " min ta7t elnafaq wila min elsades ? " which translates to: Via the tunnel or the 6th circle ?. Now other drivers will ask me as soon as I name the place, where in Um Utheina? And they have me detail the root to them before we even reach the 8th circle. And the same goes to the way back home.

It's interesting how some people start implementing a particular task and ask questions later. Others need a clear goal and then they contemplate the best way to go about the task, only then do they proceed to do the work. The first type of people are not as effective in a work environment and at some times even costly and dangerous to have around, they will never be " in a perfect world" team leaders or project mangers, and if they do they are the worst possible ones. And if you are goal oriented and you have one of them as a supervisor…well good luck!

It may not make a big difference in the taxi driving business, but its strange to see very useful characteristics not being utilized to the best of their potential, again it makes me think what a great team leader this young man would have made had he had the proper drive and initiative, since no one quality will get you to the place you want to be. But such a natural disposition will definitely help

Makes me think how many wasted talents are out there.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Job Opportunity ( Muse wanted )

Things are strange with me; I just seem to have misplaced my fun muse (yes I had a fun muse!) I was going through a rough patch but things are a lot better now. Work wise things are going great and the pieces of the puzzle in other aspects are coming together. Yet I face a blank page and I cannot write any thing!

I would be having dinner like last night with a friend and think why didn't I bring the camera, I could write about the great food at this place and the funny story with the valet, and a series of other fun stuff that is going on , but NO nothing really comes to mind, I cannot put together anything that is remotely interesting.

So this is just to let those of you who were worried about me, that I'm fine and as busy as ever. Life is not all pink and rosy but it never was to start with.

I cannot believe I could not think of anything else to write about! Sorry
So seriously I need an inspiration … I need a muse

Thursday, May 10, 2007

In the Ghetto

In response to what
Abed hamdan and Mala2e6 started, I'm trying to do half the good job they did talking about Amman, the sunny side and the not so sunny side. I feel strongly about this and I wanted to find another angle than what they have both used. This song by Elvis came to mind. Its Called Ghetto. Take Chicago out of the lyrics and replace it with the name of any city or district beside West Amman and it will be as true and accurate.

On a cold and gray chicago mornin

A poor little baby child is born

In the ghetto

And his mama criescause

if theres one thing that she dont need

Its another hungry mouth to feed

In the ghetto

People, dont you understand

The child needs a helping hand

Or hell grow to be an angry young man some day

Take a look at you and me,

Are we too blind to see,

Do we simply turn our headsAnd look the other way

Well the world turns

And a hungry little boy with a runny nose

Plays in the street as the cold wind blows

In the ghetto

And his hunger burns

So he starts to roam the streets at night

And he learns how to steal

And he learns how to fight

In the ghetto

Then one night in desperation

A young man breaks away

He buys a gun, steals a car,

Tries to run, but he dont get far

And his mama cries

As a crowd gathers round an angry young man

Face down on the street with a gun in his hand

In the ghetto

As her young man dies,On a cold and gray chicago mornin,

Another little baby child is born

In the ghetto

Please refer to the definition of Ghetto and you will see what a bad shape things are in Jordan, can we help by only writing about it, maybe not but we need to start some where and this is as good start as any. This may help people not living in the ghetto understand what it means to live a life where hope and dignity are as scarce as basic services and adequate income.
Like a child let us first master the first step in understanding others and developing a general empathy with the issues of the less fortunate. We can then start to think about ways to lend a helping hand.

I hope one day we will start a "Bloggers for change" campaign. But for now let's stick to the change of the mid set and develop a social conscience. and just to make the problem a little bit more real and relevant, the person that stole my car is an angry boy who is 17 years old, besides steeling my car and a few others he is guilty of murdering a taxi driver for a hand full of dinnars, do you think a young man will be thinking of steeling and crime at his age if he did not have to, or at least was not made angry by the society and lack of essentials for a normal life. I don't want any one to think that I condone such actions, he is wrong and many young men and women in far worse circumstances did not ever resort to crime and violence. But you have to feel sorry for them and some what responsible as a society. so things are not in another universe ...they are here at home !

Monday, May 07, 2007

Dear Diary

With red dry eyes, shivering voice, with pain lodged in my heart, and no limbs to extract it…I stand here before you, helpless but not blameless, hopeless but not shameless…

Dear diary today I died a little inside ...


Tuesday, May 01, 2007

10 Simple pleasures

Since I have been writing a bit heavy stuff lately, and since I lately noticed the deterioration in my writing skills ! a light subject is a welcome break, I will try and keep it light and avoid following my tendency to over analyze or talk too much. So in response to
Dima's tag I'm listing 10 simple pleasures and the rules are as follows:

a. You have to use the picture in my post.b. You have to list exactly 10 points.c. You have to tag 3 bloggers when you are done.

1- Fresh mornings, when the weather is clear and sunny and at the same time has a cool breeze.
2- Cold watermelons
3- Warm blanket, cup of tea and a book in winter afternoons
4- Water, in all shapes and forms and uses from drinking it to rain to swimming all of it !
5- Salt
6- Smiles and laughter
7- Coffee
8- Smell of freshly washed clothes
9- Colors and beautiful patterns
10- Shoes : )

I tag any one who would like to do this : )

Monday, April 30, 2007

Change ...

So sleepy and lazy, then fresh and energetic, then excited and busy, then moved to a kind of a hyper phase, but eventually got to the point of heart pounding excitement, soon after a little bit annoyed and disappointed.

All these moods and a few more I got through since this morning till now. and I thought I was not that moody, guess I was wrong estimating my moodiness. Did you ever notice how one word, one phone call and even one smile can change your mood. The human psyche is so interesting we can be as stable as a rock in the wind and as fragile as an autam leaf.

It takes time to be centered again after and external effect, no matter how stable a person is, it still takes us time to get back to our default state of mind, it varies from one person to another some people need days to recover for others it’s a matter of minutes, most naturally it depends on the external factor itself.

Will we know if something hit us so hard that it bent us out of shape? Will we think it’s a temporary thing, will we notice and know that at this place in time I was changed for ever. It maybe for the better or worse, it may effect how we preserve future events. At certain points we know that we have been forever changed and other changes come gradually like rocks caressed by the constant sea.

One thing for certain we do change, we cannot stop that but we can try to change to the better rather than to the worse.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

A walk in the park

Did you ever read a book with someone ? if you did even if you are not in the same physical space with them you feel so close to each other, the idea that the other person is reading the same words and ideas entwines you, this could happen if you are watching a move or a show, or even looking at the starts in the sky at the same time.

There are many levels of intimacy and the most powerful one is the spiritual and intellectual intimacy, it builds a strong friendship and defiantly strengthens a love relationship.

There are many magical moments in life that two people can share, and they don't have to be in the same place, they just have to be together in spirit, which not many people who are together in the same place can claim! I see so many people together but worlds apart.

Another level is two people working for a common goal, the comfort of them thriving for the same thing miles away, gives a sense of security and intimacy that words just fall short to describe.

Some people live their lives never getting close enough to any one, they never took a walk through Shakespearian sonnets, or visited the gardens of " Ibn El-qayem" or knew what the labyrinths of the other persons mind and soul are planted with.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Do you ever wonder

Do you ever wonder how some people effect our lives? How some people feel so close no matter how far they are, and how some people maybe in the same room with us but at the same time be miles away. The effects of different people amazes me.

Some people you need a daily dose of, but others on a daily basis would be a slow and painful death. On other occasions you will meet someone for a short period of time and yet stay forever effected by them, and they stay alive in your heart and mind for ever. others that have been around for ever you would forget the moment they walk out of the door or you hand up the phone.

I get really touched by writers and authors, I would really be impressed by a writer or a thinker and remember them in my prayers, and you may see this silly but I wish I could meet some of them in heaven. It just amazes me how some people are so great that their words reach out for centuries and touch people's hearts and soul in such a profound way.

To try and put your hand on what makes these people so effective, and what makes others so insignificant is impossible, since I may see someone as my air and water and to others s\he would be just another face in the crowd. Yet again there are those people who touch the hearts of every one who comes in contact with them. All I can think of is that it’s a blessing, to us that we have them in our lives or that we have crossed paths with them, but I don't think that they see it as one all the time, or maybe they do.

The Best Job on earth

I was reading today an article that stated the 10 most fun jobs, well most of the 10 did not sound like fun to me so I thought I'd make a list of he 10 most fun jobs to me.

1- Restaurant and movie critic: this was one of the listed in the article and I agree with them, you get to see movies before any one else and you get to eat gourmet food, and write your fiery review, what's not like ?

2-Personal shopper: this again was on the list, I totally agree its in my genes to agree with them. Spend the day shopping with someone else's money, perfect ! I tried that before, someone would give me and my friend cash and ask us to buy them makeup or a present, loads of fun !

3-Trainer: this is my own, trainers after a couple of years have all the material that they need, and just need to update them from time to time, but training people is really fun, you get to travel, meet new people all the time, its not a boring desk job. Besides they make good cash !

4- A cooking show: which includes traveling the world to report on the best foods, this could not get any better, travel and good food and getting paid for it.

5-Travel guide\book writer: again you may have noticed the pattern any thing that includes travel and new places is a job for me.

6-A business owner: it does not have to be a multimillion establishment, but any business that is your own without having a boss is great, I know it will be hard work but it gives you a space for breathing and creativity.

7- A photographer for national geographic: travel the world, take beautiful and interesting photographs.

8- Gardener\florist: spending the whole day in the fresh air, working with trees and flowers is just an amazing thing, or as a florist you get to be creative and work with flowers

9- TV\Radio show host: you get to talk and people listen to what you have to say, choose interesting topics and guests this must be an amazing thing, for me at least since I have a natural talent for talking.

10- Humanitarian Worker: this is my actual line of work, but I work in Jordan, I wish I had my same job but in Africa.

This is not a list of the jobs I could have, but the ones I believe I would enjoy doing, and I did not put in mind what each one pays and if it has stability, since it’s a wish list it's not limited with practicality.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Green almonds

Yesterday one of our American colleagues tries green almonds for the first time in his life. He saw someone selling it on the street and asked us what that is; when we told him they are green almonds he was surprised that we eat them. We got him some and he tried them for the first time, this is not the first time we know that Americans don't know we eat fresh almonds, but this got me to thinking about first times

When was the last time you tasted something new, did something for the first time? We all do new things from time to time even daily, but we let them slip we don't savor the moment and experience they just slide by as if they are something we did a million times before.

You will notice that the world is brighter place with each new smell, taste and experience…enjoy the things around you and don't let them slip away unnoticed and unappreciated.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Stop the Hunt !

This morning I was picked up by a friend, to go to the gym as usual at around 6 am, we pass by the police station on our way. I was telling her about my stolen car when I saw a familiar looking car parked by the station ! so we stopped to get a closer look, and it sure was my car.

Unfortunately it was all mashed up ! it was in such a horrible accident that I cannot believe they were able to get out of it alive. Long story short its ready to go to sleep in car heaven : (

Since I was so cheap and I don't have general insurance! I have to start paying for a new car from scratch ! well money comes and goes and as long as I'm healthy, I don't really care what happens to material stuff.

PS: I will add the photos of what she looked like after the accident soon

Saturday, April 14, 2007

My Car has been stolen !

Dear Friends my car has been stolen sometime between last night and early this morning,( al7amd lilah)….I have reported it stolen at the police station but some how I have the feeling they are not going to loose sleep over it!

We have been informed that sometimes some young guys steel a car for the night, use it until they finish the fuel and then dump it wherever! So if you guys can keep an eye out while driving for my car, and let me know if you find it I will really appreciate it.

It may not be the best car out there but its mine, and I would like it back if possible.

It’s a silver 1991 Mitsubishi hatchback the license plate number is : 673119, and it has one of those things to attach a trailer on I'm not sure what they are called by you have probably seen them around on the back of cars. I live in "Jandaweel " hassan Khawaja Street, so it could be possibly be in that area or Bayader Wadi Al seer, 8th circle.

Please help me find my car !

PS: I cannot believe I don't have any pictures of my car ! this is a look a like : ( well at least you can tell what the car looks like

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Mom's advice

I for one did not take this generic mom's advice, I bet you have heard this one before. "Marry a man who loves you more than you love him " I beg to differ mom, but evidently one of my best friends took it to heart. I got a call from her yesterday saying you know your mom is right! I poured in examples of people who fell pray to this wide spread advice, "no good comes out of that" I said

She was really considering accepting this guy's offer of marriage even though she has no feelings towards him, he obviously loves her, but she only respects the guy he is a great friend she says. Well I cannot really get how people will marry another person that they don't love, I'm not the one to tell that you have to be head over heels for the man, but at least to be warm towards him, I know that married life is different than the pink glasses phase, but how dim will it look if you did not love the person to start with, if you did not have a fluttering heart and butterflies in your stomach period, I cannot imagine what your relationship will look like , ten years down the road.

Since she was torn, my advice is to talk to him for a while and go out with him- before you go re-check who's blog your reading- I will like to tell you that this an accepted practice in Islam, it does not mean go out with tons of people and settle with one of them 3 years later, but rather if you have someone who already wants to marry you, and you are not sure you can have a few phone conversations and to go out with him to a public place chaperoned that is! This came as a surprise to her and I bet to all of you as well.

The shocker for me was that she was reluctant to do so, what ! you were torn to marry the dude or not, and now you don't know if you can live through a few phone calls ! I don't know how smart people can be this stupid !

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Tamara Main time

Today in planet Tamara it’s the 15th of Apr, besides it being payday the 15th bears no particular meaning. Today I have written all the payments cheques dated 15th of Apr ! boy I would have been dead if I did not amend them in time, I wrote 4 cheques that would have made 4 unpleasant conversations! Ooops

Hope the rest of the week will be better than the way it started !

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

People I wish did not talk !

There are some occupations that your communication skills are the bread winner skills, in other words you need to talk your ass off to get paid, like people in sales. But on the other hand there are jobs, that people who are holding them interact with people directly, but should keep the blabber at a minimum, though some are very famous for talking too much like hair dressers.

The list is my total whish list, of the people I wish will not talk while they are doing their job, so here it goes :

1- Hair Dressers: these are infamous for talking a lot, some people enjoy the chit chat with their hair dressers, but I whish they would not! what is wrong with you going my hair without forcing me into a stupid conversation.

2- Massagers and skin care experts: I was having a facial that includes a facial massage and the lady kept talking to me this is so annoying, I wished she would have left me to enjoy the massage without having to do small talk. She is my mom's friend and she gives a wonderful facial and I don't think she talks to any one while working but since she knows my mom I had to suffer.

3- Dentists: I think they are told to talk to patients to shift their focus away from what is happening in their mouth, but how do you react to what they are saying ! and the worse part is when they crack a joke while both of his hands and three other tools are in your mouth, not funny!!

4- Waxers: I don't know what they are called but the women who wax our legs (ladies that is), the process is painful enough you don't have to add stupid conversation to the list.

5-Drivers: especially taxi drivers, I don't want to talk to you ! I don't know you and we have nothing in common, why are you talking to me?

I hope you don't get me wrong, I don't see that I am any better than these people, I'm not a snob. But the work they do is either something I want to relax while they are doing or I'm too tense while they are doing, so the conversation is not welcome even if you are my best friend, and or drivers I like to drift in my thoughts between destinations.

Sunday, April 01, 2007


(I have written this post more than a month ago, I was going through my draft posts file and found it, it is still true now as it was then)

I Don't know where to start, I don't know when things started or how will they end, I wish I had more control over things …over my feelings hopes and aspirations. I admit it I am a dreamer maybe this is what got me so far in my life, and got me the success in my career and maybe this is the cause of my fidgeting soul. I work so hard towards the dreams I have and the places I see for my self in my minds eye. The curse of being a dreamer is not with the dreams we can attain. The things that come with hard work but it is with things we have no control over, dreams that snow ball but we never seem able to make them become a reality no matter how hard we work, plan or pray for them.

They say big dreams tire the body, I ware off my body in the pursuit of my dreams, some times its lack of sleep, long working hours. It is so difficult to cope with the fact that I want it all ….for this life and for the life hereafter, I don't want diamonds and furs I want to feel that I reached my potential, I want to make a difference, I want to help others …these are the things I want. My dreams are many and I feel that sometimes I'm tired. You know I will take hard work any day over a night tossing in bed thinking and rethinking about the things about peeks I'm not able to reach.

I feel that I have to work harder, do more things plan better, help more people. Improve my self get more knowledge. But the thing I want most is to be in peace with myself with the things that I might never reach. I admit it my soul is aching; I feel that I must re-evaluate things in my life and reset my priorities, make a few decisions I just don't know where to start or how to get around to them.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

The Truth about Cats and Dogs

I saw this movie again a week or so ago ( when I drafted the post), I loved this movie the first time I saw it years ago, but this time I saw it in a new light. Do guys really look for the personality and compatibility? Or is an airhead model their dream spouse, this side of the male brain configuration is still mysterious.

Examples of men falling in love with the personality are out there, but you don't see much of them, I see the typical beauty with little to no brains being the prize wife every one is looking for, as a single women I have may fair share of suitor stories, I got really mad when my mom told me what the mother of one " 3arees" told her over the phone I wanted to cancel their visit when I found out, but out of respect to mom I did not ask her to cancel, so what made me so mad ? " smi3na fi 3indek bit 7ilweh " and that translates to we have been told that you have a beautiful daughter!!

Is that what I am a beautiful daughter, they did not say successful, smart, well educated, socially active, philanthropist or even a simple religious. At least religious is what I made for my self not something I was born with (that is not entirely true but you know what I mean). All single ladies can share at least 10 stupid stories like that.

Again and again I wonder is it only physical beauty, family name (and connections) and income the only things, that are driving men in the direction of particular woman? don't they care what does she have between her ears ? Well I'm at my wits end a male input would be much appreciated.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Home Sweet Home ...

So I'm back from Damascus, the visit was filled with new things to learn, see and taste, I was planning that as soon as I get home I will blog all about it, but after a report and a gazillion emails on the issue, writing the details of the visit or even categorizing the events seems a dull thing to do and looks and feels more like work than fun.

The important thing is that I'm back home, I will share some photos with you from my visit and I will put in bullet points some of the fun, odd and crazy stuff that happened the story behind each one will be provided upon request : )

1- I can now be an official tour guide in old Damascus
2- Got proposed to …
3- Found proof that not all French people are snobby: )
4- A priest gave me a "masba7a" as a gift for my dad!
5- I had to convince people I'm not Syrian and that I'm not American
6-had Great food ...lots of it

This sums up my visit to Damascus, with luck I'm going to Turkey next month, if any one has tips or info on that it will be great.