Questions on my Mind

If your words have no sound, no echo, no effect ...do you keep your peace? scream ? cry ? Can people choke on words ? Can ideas kill ? Can feelings drown us? Some of the questions in my mind today ....Can questions not answered ... ?

Me and My life

Me and My life

I have a wierd relationship with writing. I love it but I'm not good at it as wish. I don't have that magical comand on language, nevertheless I write to express myself.

For a while I felt out of mt self, with the second preganancy and delivery. but now I feel that itch to write again. I have now Mira who is 3 years and Maria who is 3 months :) the pic abouve is taken right after birth.

I guess this is my way of saying I Back !! if anyone remembers me :)

Delusion or Illusion

Delusion or Illusion I came across people who are all talk and no action. I personally I could spot them really fast. Some of them I love to spend time with them. They are what we call” 3ree9 “I have a friend who is just that and I love to spend time with him, he is hilarious but you know that nothing he said is true. When I whispered that in hubby’s ear he got the question mark of his face and started to have fun. Things are not funny though when you put your trust in someone, who you expect to be a professional, a philanthropist and a friend then turns out to be a disappointment, an insulting disappointment. Have people become better at pretending, or did I become gullible all of a sudden. I have no explanation how can people preach what they don’t practice. And get damn good at preaching and damn bad at practice. Sadly some believe that they do in fact preach what they practice… is it delusion or an illusion I no longer trust myself to judge. PS: There are far more important issues at the time,- which I’m not an expert to write about-but I had to write something so I don’t explode.

Old School vs. New School

Old School vs. New School

As I have mentioned before,during the past few weeks I have been in Serbia handling a few documents. and in the newly democratized country or newly capitalized country if you would. things are bureaucratic and foggy. so i was going crazy registering and getting my passport and registering Mira. any way that is not the point. what struck my attention is the old family friend who has been helping us work through the system.

I noticed that he tends to listen to what ever the "civil servants" would tell him whiteout discussion. My brother or I would question and ask about the regulations, he did not have the inclination to question anything they say or any document they ask for. which I find really strange. another thing is he wants to finish a task before starting the next one, even though we would save a lot of time and money for that matter if we did a few steps in parallel, he resisted every time my brother or I would suggest doing so.

Not sure if this is really the difference between older people who lived in another time, or is it an ex-Communist regime thing. but I am always struck by how older people " our parents generation" view a working week as short waiting period were we view it as a huge waste if time, just because we live in a very fast time. and they lived in a time where things were taken slower.

I see this as an advantage we have over them, but also I lament the fact that we did not have the chance to sit back and relax. and not to have to stress about deadlines, not to have to run in circles all the time. Time means more to us than it did not them, a lot of time what my dad would view as a task needing a week, I think if I worked in this speed I would be fired !

Not sure which is better and which is worse but there is a difference. I guess one day we would be old school too.

PS. The photo above is taken by my brother in the near by park a couple of days ago.

Walking the streets of my childhood

This s a picture we took yesterday

Walking the streets of my childhood Walking through the old streets of Nis is an amazing feeling. I decided to put the never ending trail of paperwork behind me for the weekend and just walk the streets of my childhood. its is such and interesting feeling walking with my daughter in the city that has witnessed my own first steps. seeing her play in the places I did play in when I was a child and discover the things that I have once discovered. in a way I feel like I see my self as a child. Somehow winter in Serbia has a distinct smell, the smell of cold air filled with snow and the smoke for the old chimneys somehow bring back long lost memories of days in the snow and bundling up in small warm homes. I am in a way happy that my daughter will have my memories and she can build on them. and maybe I will see her one day a woman with her child in the streets of Serbia.

How human we are ....

How human we are ...

How can someone be with us one moment breathing living loving and all of a sudden with no preparation leave. I like to believe, no I believe that they start a new and fresh life a form of life we cannot imagine, they just move on the natural next step of life. I guess we get prepared for this day in a way or another, but the idea and the pain is so profound to conceive and understand that we choose to ignore it in the hope that it will not happen to us or to the ones that we love.

I guess we get put face to face with our weakness and humanity, it’s a humbling experience. In a strange way it is empowering to know that we can handle pain and we can find hope and life and happiness even in the darkest of times. This makes you think of how this life will never be perfect, and how we need really to count our blessings. My daughter and my husband have helped me in so many ways, that now the small things are put in perspective. You get to see and feel first hand the marvel of humans …the marvel of the creation. The marvel of the creator

Feelings have a force so strong so universal, language imprisons feelings its like trying to fit the sea in a jar, you attempt to take the feelings and memories of the happy times near the see, by picking a few rocks or shells or some salty water. But it cannot be the same it’s a small and trivial part of what sea actually is.

Words fall short, I wish I had a better grasp on words and language that I could use them to express what I feel inside maybe it could release some of the pressure inside. I wish my word and prayers could turn into angles that will travel the skies and depths of the earth and carry my message of love and gratitude. I wish I could in some way some form help you and be with you…I wish I can send you some of the love you so generously surrounded us with. I wish and I wish and I pray and I miss you and love you

To the fountain of love


This is one of the hardest things I had to write in my life. And I say I had because there is a burning feeling that is compelling me to write something about her.

Dear mother …its so hard to live without you, without your warmth and love. I could not expect- being such an independent person as I am- that I would be missing you so much. So many times I wish I could just see you for one more time. To see the love in your eyes. You have given me so much in my life, more than I ever gave you credit for, more than I thanked you for. I know you lived your life trying to give us the things that you never had and wished you had, and you died with us having a lot and you having nothing. I have hope against hope and belief against belief that you are in a better place.

I don’t feel like my self ..I feel like a little girl that has lost her mother. What is keeping me sane is the promises of seeing you again, and that you are some place happy.

Belle, the original cast(Garou, Daniel, Patric)

This is one of my favorit songs of all times. I thought I would share it with the world.

I actually love Garou :) he has an amazing voice.

blue field

I woke up and started my walk through the blue fields; my feet in the soft sand, my arms caressing the wind, my skin absorbing the warmth and smell of jasmine filling my soul. With closed eyes I opened all my senses to see and hear and feel and taste all the things that I could not before. How nice it is to wake up one day in a blue field.

Resilience of feelings

Resilience of feelings

I am in general a very positive person and a happy one. I don’t like to be sad or upset for a long time. So naturally I look for the good and positive side of things. Since this is who I am and how I see things, I simply did not notice that, until I came in contact with the opposite. The negative people who tend to be unhappy more than happy, and see the negative sides of anything more than the positive. Some people claim they see the bright side but you can see on their faces that they don’t.

Having such a person in your life is energy draining, and difficult to handle especially if that person depends on you for emotional support. I have dealt with several people with that tendency, but not all of them are like that for the same reason, or in the same degree.

Why I’m saying that, well because if you are the positive person and someone is draining all your energy you have the right to your self to put a limit to it. And if you are the negative person you might reflect upon yourself and try to change, try not harming the people around you. If you are a mother please spare your children the trauma, if you are friend don’t abuse the friendship. And most importantly don’t abuse your self. This life will never be perfect, if you wanted 100 % of something 70% of it is still great, and more than a lot of people have.

The strange thing is that some people see their negativity as striving for perfection, or ambition or a vast knowledge, so they see other people who are happy with less, as people lacking the understanding and vision, this is why they are happy with what they have, they don’t know of anything better. That people who are working to get something better, but are happy in the process lack ambition.

I don’t want to stretch the subject….I just suggest that we all have a honest look at our selves, do you feel you are a positive person? if yes give your self examples and think deeper into it. If truly you are positive that is great for you, if no try to work on it because you have a great effect on those around you who love you and care for you, they naturally want you to be happy, and that is not easy and thus they is an emotional strain.

Sorry

Sorry Gaza …Sorry Palestine
Sorry for I am so busy with other things I don’t have time to care
Sorry I say it now because a week later I will forget to say sorry

See I am trebly busy and have a lot of interests and responsibilities
So I don’t have much time or interest to care about you or others like you
I will be very happy to see you happy …but I cannot help ease your pain
I live in my own air bubble so it’s very hard to understand what you are going through
See I have never been hungry unless I was preparing my stomach for a feast
I have never been cold unless I set my AC on too low
I have never been in the dark unless it was to get my beauty sleep
So you must understand why things are the way they are

While I am on the subject
Sorry mothers who have sick children without health care
Sorry crushed fathers who cannot feed their hungry children
Sorry older lonely people
Sorry Orphans
Sorry my neighbor with no roof
Sorry bear feat beggars
Sorry abused children
Sorry widows
Sorry all of you who don’t belong to my country club

Sorry I have no time to continue I’m late for my hair appointment and traffic so bad because of some demonstrations

Shame on you Ministry of Health

Shame on you Ministry of Health


I get really pissed when we got to Mecca Mall or City Mall and getting chocked since every one is smoking. Though in all honesty one has to say City Mall is far better than Mecca mall in that aspect. Baby Mira Hubby and I all are allergic to cigarette smoke, we don’t have a good night sleep if we inhale the smoke if cigarettes while at the mall. Living close by and the mall being stroller friendly makes it quite attractive if it was not for all the damn smoking!

I was in Syria early this week, as we always like to think we are far more modern and organized. Guess what Syria’s Ministry did a far better job than our Ministry of Health!! They informed the public about the law of banning smoking in public areas, gave seminars on the subject, and now even though the law is not fully applied yet no one is smoking in the restricted areas. I got so frustrated! We have tax laws mastered to the cent. Even though it’s a new law,Traffic violations are strictly monitored, speed traps every were. And yet there is smoking in public places were children are with no one to stop them. And we seem unable to get that done, surprise !!

I really really feel like suing the Malls and the Ministry of Health ! this is getting really frustrating.

Selfish Generosity

Selfish Generosity

I personally consider myself as a generous person, but I have noticed something about my self a while ago and watched it in other people as well. So I decided to write about it. I first noticed this the first time I asked someone (I think my sister) what she wanted for her birthday and she said cash! I did not like it I wanted to go out look for something nice fir her, then I posed to think I wanted to make her happy ,and she will be if she got what she wanted, it will cost me the same maybe even less, so why do I hate it ? I wanted to make her happy my way ….thus probably I wanted to make myself happy more than her. This is when it struck me, I’m are being selfish

I noticed this type of behavior a lot, someone will hear about a poor family and rush to the supermarket and buy them a lot of food, we don’t think to ask them what they need, and if they tell you they would rather have cash we don’t like it. Why? When it makes a lot of sense since they can make a 10 JOD more useful than we can, they might need to pay rent, utility bills ….etc

Again, we build a lot of mosques and when you tell people building a project for the poor to work in or a road or medical equipment is more needed than the fancy carpets in mosques they get offended, why ?

We are simply selfish; we do what makes us happy not what is the most needed for the others. I hope we all take a pose and think about the recipient first. Think what our country needs …and it definitely does not need more mosques. We need to create jobs for the poor, better schools , more libraries ….

Lost Sense of Security

Lost sense of Security

This time I'm coping something written by my colleague, not our of laziness or lack of inspiration but out of urgency. you will understand once you read what she has to say.

Hello everyone,

This is not a spam or virus or anything like that. This email is to warn you about an awful incident that happened to me last week, Wednesday, March 25, 2010, and seems to be an epidemic in Jordan. Please read this and forward it to your family, friends and everyone you think should know about this!

I live near the Royal Automobile Club - 7th circle, and my office is literally a four minute walk from my house. Since the weather started warming up, I have been walking to work. So on Wednesday, on my way to work I was stopped by a taxi, with a driver and two women in their late 30’s - early 40 who asked for change for JOD 20 in a non Jordanian dialect (probably, Moroccan, Algerian or Tunisian). I waved them away and walked on. The women behind the driver asked me again, politely using a ‘motherly’ tone that made me think ‘why not! I’ll help them’, so I opened my wallet took out two 10’s handed them over to the women in the car, took the 20, they thanked me, I thanked them and I walked on. Should this have been a robbery they would have taken my wallet and drove away that minute, because they had easy access!

That’s when the driver pulled his car very close to me while I was walking, which made me jump on the sidewalk, and the exact same women that used the ‘motherly’ tone started asking me aggressively where I was going, and that they wanted me to get in the car with them so that they would take me wherever I was going. I told them to go away, and walked faster, trying to keep my distance from the taxi. They kept insisting until I held my mobile and shouted ‘I’m calling the police!’, the driver then shoved his door open, which blocked my way and jumped on me trying to grab my arm, I don’t know how I got loose from his grip, and I started running and shouting down the street! The street I’m talking about is a residential street less than 100 Meters away from my house! The women started shouting ‘She’s getting away!’ the man was shouting ‘I will get you!’ That’s when another car drove down the road and they drove off!

I spent the whole day giving statements from one police department to another, trying to identify pictures of ex-convicts and felons. And I learned that this is a gang responsible for human trafficking. They choose a girl with a certain criteria, they watch her and learn her every move, where she goes, when she arrives, leaves and everything. They kidnap the girl when least expected then take her to a farm, drug her, rape her, video tape it, threaten her, and give her an ultimatum, become a prostitute or they will show this to the world. This leads to forced prostitution, slavery and human trafficking.

I also learned that a girl in Sweifieh was kidnapped around two months ago, witnesses say a taxi and two women took her.
Now I have police following me every morning and night. I do not feel safe, and I am scared out of my mind because apparently they might attack again. It is our right to feel safe walking in our own country, not looking over our shoulder, scared for your sisters, daughters, cousins, and friends. This is crime against basic human rights, women’s rights and children’s rights.
As horrible as this may sound, but it is true! I don’t want to sound mean, or insensitive, but this could happen to anyone, this isn’t one of the stories you hear and think, this will never happen to me, my sisters, my cousins, my friends or my daughter, but I am a regular someone, a sister, a cousin, a friend and a daughter.

They have taken my sense of security, safety and human compassion; don’t let them do the same to you. Please circulate this message to all your girlfriends and family, and talk about it, let’s make sure everyone is aware of this. Keep an out eye for each other.
Be safe and careful!

Zein

The Battle Field Called Marriage

I have been as lazy as lazy can get and I did not post in a while. in an attempt to get back into acation, here is a pice I wrote for another website a while ago I think it might spark some thought and conversation.

The Battle Field Called Marriage

Some months after I got married myself, I started having conversations with women on marriage. Sure enough the ladies in most cases lets say wanted advise on how to deal with particular situations, or wanted war tactics, and some simply wanted to share so called wisdom. Lately I have been talking to some great ladies on the subject and I feel there is a need for every one to discuss this.

Any one can simply say to me "so you are wiser than the rest?", I want to say this at the beginning I am not this why I share my view on a discussion forum, to have a discussion and form an opinion together. For the sake of the discussion let us say in a marriage there are three entities, you the woman and wife and what ever you represent, there is he the man and the husband and what ever he represents. And there is a family or a marriage which is an entity that has a life by itself "I claim". A man and woman do not melt into each other once they are married, each keeps himself but their union forms a life form called marriage.

As soon as a woman or a man is engaged, both of them start being bombarded with advice. And stories on how marriage is a horrible thing enjoy these days while it lasts". "All men are alike they use woman" " be smart use your feminine powers to get what you want" " women are gold diggers and stupid " " Islam says: Ask her opinion then do the opposite"…etc and many many other forms of wisdom.

Here I will not be talking about the extreme cases, yes there are animals dressed in an educated mans suit. Yes there are women who are gold diggers. But I'm talking about the average woman and man, with their good sides and bad. I always say to people marriage is not a battle field. If you turn it to one it will suffer. If an argument turns into a battle of who wins and who looses no matter who wins that battle the marriage looses. Again let me reiterate the fact, I'm not talking about important issues like abuse or the man giving up the responsibility of his children to the wife or the wife that spreads all the domestic issues to anyone who would listen. I'm talking about the small things that we turn into a big deal.

The rules of Islam, His set of rights, you're set of rights. Should not be used on a daily basis as an argument or the marriage suffers. If you have a good neighbor that from time to time trespasses or picks from your trees or has a load party. Do you call the police directly? I feel it is the same thing if I cannot have a civilized discussion with my husband and every time I have to run to the police " what are not his rights in Islam" there is a big problem. It may be with him or maybe with me.

Agreement is what all our decisions in a marriage should be based on. Personally from time to time I love it when my husband gives in to my silly desires or illogical ideas just because it's not worth a discussion let alone a fight. And sometimes I give in to some of his silly ideas if they cause me no harm.

I feel that we women have been oppressed for a long time. And when we can we try to elevate that oppression, which our grandmothers or mothers have suffered from in the fear of being victims ourselves. But if we don't keep things in check we easily turn into oppressors. I have talked a lot but the jest of what I want to say, yes men ask for more than they are entitled in a lot of cases, but so do we. But we like to be a victim as we have been victimized by society for a long time. You are not weak if you give your husband more than he is entitled on the contrary. Do ever feel that there is too much sadaqa ( charity) ? why not deal with each other on terms of " Fadel" ?

Marriage can be a great thing, you are your husband can turn yours into a great one, with a little calm conversation and a little effort from both of you. Yes you can be happy if you want to even after 20 years of marriage. Yes you will need to compromise a lot both of you ,but believe me off the battle field marriage is a great place. Just use compassion and love instead of strong legal arguments.

If You Really Pay Attention

It has been ages since I blogged about anything. This morning I read this piece and I loved it. I hope you enjoy it too.

I thought I would keep it here as a mental reminder of the things I need to teach my daughter.



If You Really Pay Attention


When I was a little bitty kiddy, about five, my Dad began a process … anytime somebody came and said something to us, my dad would say, "You remember what he said, honey girl?” I would tell my father what the person said until I got so good at it that I could repeat verbatim even long presentations of what the person had said.And he did this all the time.Finally, one day there was this old gentleman, Richard Thompson. I still remember his name, he lived across the street. And every time my Dad started to mow the lawn, there came Mr. Thompson. And so I would stand out there.Dad says, “You might come and listen to this man, honey girl. He’s pretty interesting.” And so I listened to him, and then my dad would say, “What did you hear him say?” And I would tell him.Well, eventually I was repeating all the stories he liked to share with my dad verbatim. I knew them all by heart.And my Dad says, “You’re getting pretty good at that. But did you hear his heart?" And I thought, what? So I went around for days with my ear to people's chest trying to hear their hearts.Finally my Dad created another learning situation for me by asking my mother to read an article from the newspaper. He says “Well, I guess if you want to understand that article, you have to read between the lines."I thought, "Oh, read between the lines. Hear between the words."So the next time I listened to Mr. Thompson’s stories, I tried to listen between the words. My Dad said, “I know you know his story, but did you hear his heart?” And I said, "Yes. He is very lonely and comes and shares his memories with you again and again because he’s asking you to keep him company in his memories."It just came out of me. In other words, my heart echoed his heart.And when you can listen at that level, then you can hear not only the people. If you really pay attention, you can hear what the Universe is saying.--Paula Underwood, clan mother of the Turtle clan, Iroquois nation

Lesson of the day !

Lesson of the day

I was feeling down since this morning. My brain has been running with grim ideas without control- sometimes I feel that my stream of thought is hard to break- I have been searching frankly about and googling the subject that is on my mind all day.

So I thought I will need to do something to stop the stream, work is slow today so what can a workaholic do ? I grab a book – one of my favorites – that I keep in the office and randomly open a page.

My book is ( Men around the prophet ) and the story I opened randomly was about ( Obadiah Bin Al-Samet) I read it and then started to think, in relevance to my mood today what can I learn….lets see this is a man with enough connections, power and inelegance to enable him to have what ever he wanted in this life. Yet he wanted non on the fruits of this life since he had his eyes on the big prize, the eternal life in heaven, thus forsaking power and connections.

So I have to learn to keep my eyes on the goal, and use my brain to do good and move towards and prize and not run around in circles without any use. Especially about things I cannot change and have very little control on.

Pork in Pepsi

Pork and Pepsi

I was at an engagement party and a friend tells me, don't have the Coke or Pepsi that is served! I said why ? because its not healthy ? she replied " because it contains a substance that is derived from pig" I tried to convince her that not ever thing you read in the internet is a fact.In any case I decide to do what a freind has done about the Nike issue. I emailed both Coca-Cola and Pepsi about my concern. I got the answer from both. Please see below their confirmation that both brands carbonated drinks don't contain any mammal derived ingredients.

Dear Tamara,Thank you for contacting us here at Pepsi Cola.Any rumors stating that any of our carbonated soft drinks contains animal products or by-products are completely false. From time to time these misleading rumors circulate throughout the country, and it is difficult to say why or how they began. We are pleased to inform you that none of the product ingredients contain pork or animal products or by-products of any kind.Here at Pepsi, we will continue to work hard to ensure the quality, great taste and wholesomeness of our products. We hope you find this information helpful, and we appreciate your allowing us the opportunity to set the record straightSincerely,

Gail AhearnConsumer Relations Representative
012039611A

Thank you for contacting The Coca-Cola Company, Ms. Al-Manaseir. We appreciate the opportunity to respond.None of the carbonated soft drink brands of The Coca-Cola Company contain ingredients derived from mammals or poultry. We abide by the laws and practices in every country where our brands are sold. This includes countries where Islam is the principal religion such as Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Indonesia, Malaysia, and Pakistan, whose governments have accepted our brands as suitable for consumption by members of the Muslim community.If you have any additional comments, please feel free to contact us again.

JeffreyIndustry and Consumer AffairsThe Coca-Cola Company

This is my addition in investigating rumors : )

Magical Moments

Magical Moments

Blessed, happy and hopeful and many many more feelings swept over me last night. I have lived through a night that is an answer to a prayer. Did you ever live in a moment like that? With singing angles, and butterflies of light hovering over and around you.

So many nights did we all pray for this moment in time, so many warm tears streamed down our checks. So many heartfelt prayers were maid. And finally the night came and the feeling is so surreal.

Two of our closest friends got married last night. At moments we thought this will never happen….but it did ! Alhamd LILAH

Light cannot be touched …happiness cannot be harvested … smiles don't have a distinct taste…yet last night so many beautiful things manifested. That I could have swore that in the air there was a blessing flouting that could be touched, smelled and maybe we had traces of it still on our shoulders when we left.

The Green-Eyed Monster

The green- eyed monster

According to wikipedia jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust. Jealousy differs from envy in that jealousy is about something one has and is afraid of losing, while envy refers to something one does not have and either wants to acquire or to prevent another from acquiring.
Further, Jealousy is an emotion whose effects “frequently get out of control” (Goldie, 2000, p. 229). It is a common observation that the experience of jealousy can last much longer than the one of a basic emotion like anger, without losing its original intensity, and, in a paradox captured in Rochefoucauld's maxim, it may outlast the attachment which it fears losing: "jealousy is always born with love; it does not always die with it."
I find jealousy fascinating. I felt jealous several times during my marriage and I never can understand why. See sometimes I would joke with some male colleagues, or I would find myself commenting to a friend about a good looking guy and I would think if I found out the exact same thing about my husband would I be OK with it? And the answer is always NO! Even though having friends at work from the opposite sex does not mean I'm romantically interested in them, and finding some people good looking does not mean that it goes any further than that. But I still find myself jealous.
According to the definition on wikipedia I must fear to loose my husband. But I'm not. I'm completely sure of his love and devotion, and I still feel jealous from time to time from situations and things that are completely not logical reasons for jealousy.
For example I feel that way from previous crushes he had. Logically I should not because he told me about them, he did not pursue any real relationships with them, and he proudly introduces me to them, and I still get into the war mode! I'm I crazy? May I be insecure? What is wrong with me I wish I can kill the little green eyed monster.