Sorry

Sorry Gaza …Sorry Palestine
Sorry for I am so busy with other things I don’t have time to care
Sorry I say it now because a week later I will forget to say sorry

See I am trebly busy and have a lot of interests and responsibilities
So I don’t have much time or interest to care about you or others like you
I will be very happy to see you happy …but I cannot help ease your pain
I live in my own air bubble so it’s very hard to understand what you are going through
See I have never been hungry unless I was preparing my stomach for a feast
I have never been cold unless I set my AC on too low
I have never been in the dark unless it was to get my beauty sleep
So you must understand why things are the way they are

While I am on the subject
Sorry mothers who have sick children without health care
Sorry crushed fathers who cannot feed their hungry children
Sorry older lonely people
Sorry Orphans
Sorry my neighbor with no roof
Sorry bear feat beggars
Sorry abused children
Sorry widows
Sorry all of you who don’t belong to my country club

Sorry I have no time to continue I’m late for my hair appointment and traffic so bad because of some demonstrations

Shame on you Ministry of Health

Shame on you Ministry of Health


I get really pissed when we got to Mecca Mall or City Mall and getting chocked since every one is smoking. Though in all honesty one has to say City Mall is far better than Mecca mall in that aspect. Baby Mira Hubby and I all are allergic to cigarette smoke, we don’t have a good night sleep if we inhale the smoke if cigarettes while at the mall. Living close by and the mall being stroller friendly makes it quite attractive if it was not for all the damn smoking!

I was in Syria early this week, as we always like to think we are far more modern and organized. Guess what Syria’s Ministry did a far better job than our Ministry of Health!! They informed the public about the law of banning smoking in public areas, gave seminars on the subject, and now even though the law is not fully applied yet no one is smoking in the restricted areas. I got so frustrated! We have tax laws mastered to the cent. Even though it’s a new law,Traffic violations are strictly monitored, speed traps every were. And yet there is smoking in public places were children are with no one to stop them. And we seem unable to get that done, surprise !!

I really really feel like suing the Malls and the Ministry of Health ! this is getting really frustrating.

Selfish Generosity

Selfish Generosity

I personally consider myself as a generous person, but I have noticed something about my self a while ago and watched it in other people as well. So I decided to write about it. I first noticed this the first time I asked someone (I think my sister) what she wanted for her birthday and she said cash! I did not like it I wanted to go out look for something nice fir her, then I posed to think I wanted to make her happy ,and she will be if she got what she wanted, it will cost me the same maybe even less, so why do I hate it ? I wanted to make her happy my way ….thus probably I wanted to make myself happy more than her. This is when it struck me, I’m are being selfish

I noticed this type of behavior a lot, someone will hear about a poor family and rush to the supermarket and buy them a lot of food, we don’t think to ask them what they need, and if they tell you they would rather have cash we don’t like it. Why? When it makes a lot of sense since they can make a 10 JOD more useful than we can, they might need to pay rent, utility bills ….etc

Again, we build a lot of mosques and when you tell people building a project for the poor to work in or a road or medical equipment is more needed than the fancy carpets in mosques they get offended, why ?

We are simply selfish; we do what makes us happy not what is the most needed for the others. I hope we all take a pose and think about the recipient first. Think what our country needs …and it definitely does not need more mosques. We need to create jobs for the poor, better schools , more libraries ….

Lost Sense of Security

Lost sense of Security

This time I'm coping something written by my colleague, not our of laziness or lack of inspiration but out of urgency. you will understand once you read what she has to say.

Hello everyone,

This is not a spam or virus or anything like that. This email is to warn you about an awful incident that happened to me last week, Wednesday, March 25, 2010, and seems to be an epidemic in Jordan. Please read this and forward it to your family, friends and everyone you think should know about this!

I live near the Royal Automobile Club - 7th circle, and my office is literally a four minute walk from my house. Since the weather started warming up, I have been walking to work. So on Wednesday, on my way to work I was stopped by a taxi, with a driver and two women in their late 30’s - early 40 who asked for change for JOD 20 in a non Jordanian dialect (probably, Moroccan, Algerian or Tunisian). I waved them away and walked on. The women behind the driver asked me again, politely using a ‘motherly’ tone that made me think ‘why not! I’ll help them’, so I opened my wallet took out two 10’s handed them over to the women in the car, took the 20, they thanked me, I thanked them and I walked on. Should this have been a robbery they would have taken my wallet and drove away that minute, because they had easy access!

That’s when the driver pulled his car very close to me while I was walking, which made me jump on the sidewalk, and the exact same women that used the ‘motherly’ tone started asking me aggressively where I was going, and that they wanted me to get in the car with them so that they would take me wherever I was going. I told them to go away, and walked faster, trying to keep my distance from the taxi. They kept insisting until I held my mobile and shouted ‘I’m calling the police!’, the driver then shoved his door open, which blocked my way and jumped on me trying to grab my arm, I don’t know how I got loose from his grip, and I started running and shouting down the street! The street I’m talking about is a residential street less than 100 Meters away from my house! The women started shouting ‘She’s getting away!’ the man was shouting ‘I will get you!’ That’s when another car drove down the road and they drove off!

I spent the whole day giving statements from one police department to another, trying to identify pictures of ex-convicts and felons. And I learned that this is a gang responsible for human trafficking. They choose a girl with a certain criteria, they watch her and learn her every move, where she goes, when she arrives, leaves and everything. They kidnap the girl when least expected then take her to a farm, drug her, rape her, video tape it, threaten her, and give her an ultimatum, become a prostitute or they will show this to the world. This leads to forced prostitution, slavery and human trafficking.

I also learned that a girl in Sweifieh was kidnapped around two months ago, witnesses say a taxi and two women took her.
Now I have police following me every morning and night. I do not feel safe, and I am scared out of my mind because apparently they might attack again. It is our right to feel safe walking in our own country, not looking over our shoulder, scared for your sisters, daughters, cousins, and friends. This is crime against basic human rights, women’s rights and children’s rights.
As horrible as this may sound, but it is true! I don’t want to sound mean, or insensitive, but this could happen to anyone, this isn’t one of the stories you hear and think, this will never happen to me, my sisters, my cousins, my friends or my daughter, but I am a regular someone, a sister, a cousin, a friend and a daughter.

They have taken my sense of security, safety and human compassion; don’t let them do the same to you. Please circulate this message to all your girlfriends and family, and talk about it, let’s make sure everyone is aware of this. Keep an out eye for each other.
Be safe and careful!

Zein

The Battle Field Called Marriage

I have been as lazy as lazy can get and I did not post in a while. in an attempt to get back into acation, here is a pice I wrote for another website a while ago I think it might spark some thought and conversation.

The Battle Field Called Marriage

Some months after I got married myself, I started having conversations with women on marriage. Sure enough the ladies in most cases lets say wanted advise on how to deal with particular situations, or wanted war tactics, and some simply wanted to share so called wisdom. Lately I have been talking to some great ladies on the subject and I feel there is a need for every one to discuss this.

Any one can simply say to me "so you are wiser than the rest?", I want to say this at the beginning I am not this why I share my view on a discussion forum, to have a discussion and form an opinion together. For the sake of the discussion let us say in a marriage there are three entities, you the woman and wife and what ever you represent, there is he the man and the husband and what ever he represents. And there is a family or a marriage which is an entity that has a life by itself "I claim". A man and woman do not melt into each other once they are married, each keeps himself but their union forms a life form called marriage.

As soon as a woman or a man is engaged, both of them start being bombarded with advice. And stories on how marriage is a horrible thing enjoy these days while it lasts". "All men are alike they use woman" " be smart use your feminine powers to get what you want" " women are gold diggers and stupid " " Islam says: Ask her opinion then do the opposite"…etc and many many other forms of wisdom.

Here I will not be talking about the extreme cases, yes there are animals dressed in an educated mans suit. Yes there are women who are gold diggers. But I'm talking about the average woman and man, with their good sides and bad. I always say to people marriage is not a battle field. If you turn it to one it will suffer. If an argument turns into a battle of who wins and who looses no matter who wins that battle the marriage looses. Again let me reiterate the fact, I'm not talking about important issues like abuse or the man giving up the responsibility of his children to the wife or the wife that spreads all the domestic issues to anyone who would listen. I'm talking about the small things that we turn into a big deal.

The rules of Islam, His set of rights, you're set of rights. Should not be used on a daily basis as an argument or the marriage suffers. If you have a good neighbor that from time to time trespasses or picks from your trees or has a load party. Do you call the police directly? I feel it is the same thing if I cannot have a civilized discussion with my husband and every time I have to run to the police " what are not his rights in Islam" there is a big problem. It may be with him or maybe with me.

Agreement is what all our decisions in a marriage should be based on. Personally from time to time I love it when my husband gives in to my silly desires or illogical ideas just because it's not worth a discussion let alone a fight. And sometimes I give in to some of his silly ideas if they cause me no harm.

I feel that we women have been oppressed for a long time. And when we can we try to elevate that oppression, which our grandmothers or mothers have suffered from in the fear of being victims ourselves. But if we don't keep things in check we easily turn into oppressors. I have talked a lot but the jest of what I want to say, yes men ask for more than they are entitled in a lot of cases, but so do we. But we like to be a victim as we have been victimized by society for a long time. You are not weak if you give your husband more than he is entitled on the contrary. Do ever feel that there is too much sadaqa ( charity) ? why not deal with each other on terms of " Fadel" ?

Marriage can be a great thing, you are your husband can turn yours into a great one, with a little calm conversation and a little effort from both of you. Yes you can be happy if you want to even after 20 years of marriage. Yes you will need to compromise a lot both of you ,but believe me off the battle field marriage is a great place. Just use compassion and love instead of strong legal arguments.

If You Really Pay Attention

It has been ages since I blogged about anything. This morning I read this piece and I loved it. I hope you enjoy it too.

I thought I would keep it here as a mental reminder of the things I need to teach my daughter.



If You Really Pay Attention


When I was a little bitty kiddy, about five, my Dad began a process … anytime somebody came and said something to us, my dad would say, "You remember what he said, honey girl?” I would tell my father what the person said until I got so good at it that I could repeat verbatim even long presentations of what the person had said.And he did this all the time.Finally, one day there was this old gentleman, Richard Thompson. I still remember his name, he lived across the street. And every time my Dad started to mow the lawn, there came Mr. Thompson. And so I would stand out there.Dad says, “You might come and listen to this man, honey girl. He’s pretty interesting.” And so I listened to him, and then my dad would say, “What did you hear him say?” And I would tell him.Well, eventually I was repeating all the stories he liked to share with my dad verbatim. I knew them all by heart.And my Dad says, “You’re getting pretty good at that. But did you hear his heart?" And I thought, what? So I went around for days with my ear to people's chest trying to hear their hearts.Finally my Dad created another learning situation for me by asking my mother to read an article from the newspaper. He says “Well, I guess if you want to understand that article, you have to read between the lines."I thought, "Oh, read between the lines. Hear between the words."So the next time I listened to Mr. Thompson’s stories, I tried to listen between the words. My Dad said, “I know you know his story, but did you hear his heart?” And I said, "Yes. He is very lonely and comes and shares his memories with you again and again because he’s asking you to keep him company in his memories."It just came out of me. In other words, my heart echoed his heart.And when you can listen at that level, then you can hear not only the people. If you really pay attention, you can hear what the Universe is saying.--Paula Underwood, clan mother of the Turtle clan, Iroquois nation

Lesson of the day !

Lesson of the day

I was feeling down since this morning. My brain has been running with grim ideas without control- sometimes I feel that my stream of thought is hard to break- I have been searching frankly about and googling the subject that is on my mind all day.

So I thought I will need to do something to stop the stream, work is slow today so what can a workaholic do ? I grab a book – one of my favorites – that I keep in the office and randomly open a page.

My book is ( Men around the prophet ) and the story I opened randomly was about ( Obadiah Bin Al-Samet) I read it and then started to think, in relevance to my mood today what can I learn….lets see this is a man with enough connections, power and inelegance to enable him to have what ever he wanted in this life. Yet he wanted non on the fruits of this life since he had his eyes on the big prize, the eternal life in heaven, thus forsaking power and connections.

So I have to learn to keep my eyes on the goal, and use my brain to do good and move towards and prize and not run around in circles without any use. Especially about things I cannot change and have very little control on.

Pork in Pepsi

Pork and Pepsi

I was at an engagement party and a friend tells me, don't have the Coke or Pepsi that is served! I said why ? because its not healthy ? she replied " because it contains a substance that is derived from pig" I tried to convince her that not ever thing you read in the internet is a fact.In any case I decide to do what a freind has done about the Nike issue. I emailed both Coca-Cola and Pepsi about my concern. I got the answer from both. Please see below their confirmation that both brands carbonated drinks don't contain any mammal derived ingredients.

Dear Tamara,Thank you for contacting us here at Pepsi Cola.Any rumors stating that any of our carbonated soft drinks contains animal products or by-products are completely false. From time to time these misleading rumors circulate throughout the country, and it is difficult to say why or how they began. We are pleased to inform you that none of the product ingredients contain pork or animal products or by-products of any kind.Here at Pepsi, we will continue to work hard to ensure the quality, great taste and wholesomeness of our products. We hope you find this information helpful, and we appreciate your allowing us the opportunity to set the record straightSincerely,

Gail AhearnConsumer Relations Representative
012039611A

Thank you for contacting The Coca-Cola Company, Ms. Al-Manaseir. We appreciate the opportunity to respond.None of the carbonated soft drink brands of The Coca-Cola Company contain ingredients derived from mammals or poultry. We abide by the laws and practices in every country where our brands are sold. This includes countries where Islam is the principal religion such as Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Indonesia, Malaysia, and Pakistan, whose governments have accepted our brands as suitable for consumption by members of the Muslim community.If you have any additional comments, please feel free to contact us again.

JeffreyIndustry and Consumer AffairsThe Coca-Cola Company

This is my addition in investigating rumors : )

Magical Moments

Magical Moments

Blessed, happy and hopeful and many many more feelings swept over me last night. I have lived through a night that is an answer to a prayer. Did you ever live in a moment like that? With singing angles, and butterflies of light hovering over and around you.

So many nights did we all pray for this moment in time, so many warm tears streamed down our checks. So many heartfelt prayers were maid. And finally the night came and the feeling is so surreal.

Two of our closest friends got married last night. At moments we thought this will never happen….but it did ! Alhamd LILAH

Light cannot be touched …happiness cannot be harvested … smiles don't have a distinct taste…yet last night so many beautiful things manifested. That I could have swore that in the air there was a blessing flouting that could be touched, smelled and maybe we had traces of it still on our shoulders when we left.

The Green-Eyed Monster

The green- eyed monster

According to wikipedia jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust. Jealousy differs from envy in that jealousy is about something one has and is afraid of losing, while envy refers to something one does not have and either wants to acquire or to prevent another from acquiring.
Further, Jealousy is an emotion whose effects “frequently get out of control” (Goldie, 2000, p. 229). It is a common observation that the experience of jealousy can last much longer than the one of a basic emotion like anger, without losing its original intensity, and, in a paradox captured in Rochefoucauld's maxim, it may outlast the attachment which it fears losing: "jealousy is always born with love; it does not always die with it."
I find jealousy fascinating. I felt jealous several times during my marriage and I never can understand why. See sometimes I would joke with some male colleagues, or I would find myself commenting to a friend about a good looking guy and I would think if I found out the exact same thing about my husband would I be OK with it? And the answer is always NO! Even though having friends at work from the opposite sex does not mean I'm romantically interested in them, and finding some people good looking does not mean that it goes any further than that. But I still find myself jealous.
According to the definition on wikipedia I must fear to loose my husband. But I'm not. I'm completely sure of his love and devotion, and I still feel jealous from time to time from situations and things that are completely not logical reasons for jealousy.
For example I feel that way from previous crushes he had. Logically I should not because he told me about them, he did not pursue any real relationships with them, and he proudly introduces me to them, and I still get into the war mode! I'm I crazy? May I be insecure? What is wrong with me I wish I can kill the little green eyed monster.

You are what you wear

You are what you wear

Naturally I do not agree with this statement. Not every one who is dressed well or groomed deserves our respect and naturally not every person who is not dressed well deserves our disdain.

What brought these ideas to my mind is what happened to me yesterday at one of the Ministries. You have to go the front desk to request the file you need, naturally you need to be an authorized person to do so. I filled the form gave it to the employee, he stamped it and I proceeded to get the file. Standing next to me was a simple man, and the employee at the desk asked for all sorts of proof that he was authorized to get the file. He did not even ask me my name!

During my maternity leave, other staff at my office had trouble getting one document-that is fully legal- accepted because they sent a driver. When I submitted the document they did not even look twice at it ! Which really made me mad, is the document worse or any less legal because it was brought in by a driver.

I was talking to my supervisor about this, and she said this happens all the time, people discriminate against each other all the time, depending on how they view the person in front of them, weather it was what they are wearing or how they look. Even in stores they look at what you are wearing to determine if you are a worth while customer!

Do the clothes really make the person? There are researches that say better looking people get promoted more often in work than their plainer looking pears. Is it possible that humanity has sunk this low !

advice

Advice

First let me start by saying this is my personal view. I don't claim that I know better than anyone, but I assume many of you will agree with me. I feel that people mistreat advice! Honest and wise advice is one of the greatest gifts you can receive. How many times did we stand on a cross road and did not know were to go, would it not have been amazing to get a good piece of advise?

Unfortunately people either don't give advice or they throw it at unsuspecting bystanders. What is the distinction between advise and interference. A rule of thumb is a person needs to ask for the advise, or really need to be close to that person to give it without them asking for it.

I had complete strangers share their parenting experience with me, I did not appreciate a complete stranger telling me that I'm wrong to take my baby out of the house or that she needs another layer of clothing. Again taking the advise is up to the person receiving it. You don't buy a frame for someone as a gift and say: "hang it in this room on this particular wall now!" you give the present that you took the time to pick for them, but they decide when and if they are going to use it.

Another issue with advice is that a lot of people just don't have the generosity of heart to give real advise, they just give a generic idea that is not useful to anyone and at times hurtful. I had people tell me while I'm pregnant, sleep and rest as much as you can because as soon as the baby is born you will not sleep again! After delivery I did not sleep much I was exhausted my hormones were out of control, and their honest little piece of advice made me feel my life is over. And there is no light at the end of the tunnel! I now make sure to tell moms to be, you will be very tired, you will have lack of sleep, but hang in there in a month every thing will be better. That way I hope that the light at the end of the tunnel will make someone have hope and enjoy their motherhood more.

Please people think before you give someone advise, and remember what you tell people is to help that person, not to portray your self as an angel, martyr or a guru! And most importantly be honest to your self first and then to the person who has trusted you enough to ask for your opinion.

Back

Back !

I can't believe it has been seven months since I have posted any thing. Life has been speeding,

and I did not have the time and at points the desire to write anything. Time has come to run a quick update and hopefully start posting regularly again.

Hmm where to start? Well the greatest news of all. Mira my daughter has been born on the 12th of Jan 09 at 20:05, I started feeling cramps from the previous day but I acted normally we even stayed out late, I had cramps that woke me up a couple of times during the night. I could not go back to sleep after fajer so I just went to the office and wrapped things up at work and handed over all the issues I was working on, well long story short I delivered Mira that night. I screamed for a c-section, kicked my doctor a few times, but eventually Mira showed up and as soon as I heard her cry for the first time I passed out !

The first week after birth with all the pain, no sleep and hormones I got a depression for about a week to 10 days. After that things started to look better and I no longer felt that my life is over.

During my maternity leave I studied for my PMP exam (Project Management Professional) and I passed from the first time! yay I'm now a mom and a PMP !!

Naturally I have been back to work for about a month now …and have just returned from Cairo ..

I have a lot more to share…. But divide them to several posts, these are just the highlights

PS: This photo of Mira is very recent from our trip to Cairo, I will post more soon

Dear Tiny

It is with great fear that I have to say that you seem like a hyper active kid. See during our last visit to the doctor you could not hold still for a second so the doctor could take your measurements, never mind that we still after 18 weeks (at the time) we could not tell if you are a boy or a girl. In addition dearest one I felt your first move a couple of days ago, which means you are ahead of schedule in that department.

Both daddy and I are so excited feeling your little legs kicking inside me, but that really brings the fear of hyper active kid. See all my life I wanted active children, I was like that and so was hubby, for me it is a sign of healthy and smart kid. So don't worry we are happy that you active.

Can't wait to see you : )

PS: I like keeping this e-dairy I think I will enjoy reading them later on and so will my children.

The Gift of Ramdan

The Gift of Ramdan

Ramdan is not about food. It's a spirituality month. Feeling hunger and thirst is purifying of the soul – or so I see it- since you get to concentrate on more important nourishment, the nourishment of your soul and heart.

At the same time its not the month to have no food either. See over cooking and thinking about the food keeps your mind concentrated on the wrong issue. At the same time knowing that you don't have enough food to feed your family keeps your mind away from the purpose of Ramdan. There needs to be a balance.

No one can ask a mother or a father not to think about the next meal, if they don't know if they are going to be able to provide it. I am one of the people- and will always be- who believe in sustainable development, food packages are not that in any sense or form. But a we have no choice !

We at life makers try our best to deliver as much food packages, to the most needy families in Ramadan, help us do that by either volunteering or giving from your heart, help us give them at least some peace of mind this Ramdan, so that they too can cultivate this spiritual month.

Please help us give them the gift of Ramdan.

http://www.lifemakersjo.com/home.htm

PS: the photo is of a little girl we met at one of tours delivering the food packages

One

One

Friday 15^th of August marked our one year anniversary! I cannot believe it has been a whole year, sometimes it just feels we got married yesterday, at other times it seems we have been married for ever. I guess it’s a good feeling, I'm not board in the relationship and at the same time I'm comfortable as if we have been together forever.

The other day I washing my hands and I remembered an early argument me and hubby had, he is used to using a regular soap bar for washing his hands and showering. I on the other hand prefer liquid soap and shower gill, not only for myself but for him, since we have a navy blue bathroom and regular soap leaves a white residue, that makes the tub and sink look dirty just hours after it has been cleaned.

Long story short, he adopted the shower gill fast, but the soap took some time and resistance. The other day we were shopping and he naturally picked the liquid soap in the fragrance he liked. Moral of the story is that after a year I have changed a lot of my habits and he has changed a lot of habits, and now we have our habits!

Strange

Strange

she walked through the streets of this city for a long time, she knows the streets and cafes….she knows the trees, every corner every stone. Or at least she thought she did. See she got new glasses and then after a long absence she took a walk again in the same streets ….and they looked different ! was she blind to some details ? or did the streets change in time? Which one is the real city the new or the old

Strange how a stroll in the past looks a lot different, even though not much time has passed. Strange, how the same things steer different emotions in us.

PS: written under the influence of headache and unbalanced pregnancy hormones

The day I fell in love with you ….

The day I fell in love with you ….

On the 2^nd of August is the day I fell in love with you. Before that I had a mix of feelings. I could not pinpoint what exactly I was feeling. See to be completely honest I could not believe you were there, but yesterday at the doctor's office, I saw you move your tiny hand to your face, and move your legs …..And I just could not believe my eyes. You ARE there alive and kicking!!

Walking out of the doctors office, I could not stop thinking about you and missing you, I never held you in my arms but I feel them aching to have you in them, I can't wait to hold you, smell you and just be with you.

We still don't know if you are a boy or a girl, but both your daddy and I could not stop smiling all day. For the time being I shall call you tiny : ) for a fetus you are tall but since you still fit in me - when you come out you will see what I mean- you are still tiny.

So dear Tiny mommy fell in love with you, and I cannot wait to see you in person and not on a screen. Daddy cannot wait either he just lights up when he looks at you at the screen or when he touches my tummy where you are.

Emotional

Emotional

I read a lot of articles about how emotional and sensitive pregnant women can get. But never could I have imagined that I would cry because of a rude taxi driver!!

This morning I stopped a taxi and told him where I was going, he paused un happily for a minute and then started the meter, and he was huffing all the way, even though its not that close ! the meter reads usually about 850 fils. Any way when I got to the office I gave him the fair in coins since I had only large bills, he takes a look at his palm and almost screams at me as I was getting out of the car " what's this ?!" I look at his hand an apparently I gave him a 250 fils coin instead of half a JOD. And he acted as if I was trying to rob him. I was looking in my purse for a 250 fils coin and he maid this load EFFFFT sound and hit something in the car trying to control his anger.

I really have no idea what was wrong with this man, but as I was getting out of the car my tears were streaming dawn my face. I cannot believe that a taxi driver made my cry.

The point of no return

All my life I did not imagine that there is such a thing, a point in life or a commitment that you just cannot bail out of. You find school too much to handle take a year off, change your major or quit all together, it may not be the smartest decision you make, but you can and you have the choice to do so. A job you can walk away from, even marriage you can just wake up one morning and decide it's no longer the thing for you.

This feeling was a safety net for my sanity all my life, the feeling that once things get to difficult or too bad, I can look for my best interest and leave. That does not mean I'm a quitter of any sort, but that gave me the feeling of control over my life.

So there is no turning back on this ! that was my thoughts at the moment I saw the positive result of my pregnancy test. I was happy, excited and scared at the same time. You cannot believe the mixed feelings I had at the moment. Hubby had the same feelings, we both love children and we wanted ones of our own, but still at the moment it came true we could not control our feelings.

We have made a commitment for life to take care of our child, and this is one thing neither of us has the choice, or will ever consider not following through and giving it our best, even when things are tough.

I hope my tone does not give the wrong impression, I'm so happy and excited, I'm going to finish my first trimester soon. I kept the news secret till I was sure, see with no belly and no movement you just cannot imagine that its true, all I had were two red lines on a stick. But as we went to the doctor and saw the baby things started to slowly sink in.

The due date is around the 25^th of January 2009!!