Lost in life ...

Lost in life …

Time flies… busy lifestyle ….lots of responsibilities … fresh love …fun and sun ….travel….giving back to my kin … corporate power struggles …. Career ….friends ….family ….

The list can go on and on ….but I just realized that in this list, there is no me, there is me the friend, me the daughter and sister, there is me the wife, there is me the career woman…..but no ME ! I have been through this so many times in my life. I make my mind that I want to achieve something, or in my case so many things. And then I go through the motions, with spirit at fist …then I loose touch with my self.

Its time for me! Now, more than anytime in my life this realization, resolution and determination is vital.

I need to get back in touch with me, nurse my self, nourish my soul, take care of my brain. And get ready for the challenge to come. For this one I need to be all that I am and can be.

Reminders ....

Reminders ….

For a while now I got this habit of going back to my old posts and reading them. To tell you the truth most of the time it's just because I enjoy them, and sometimes I'm just curious to see what was going on in my life during the same period last year. That got me to thinking what would my children think when they go over their mother's blog once they are old enough to understand, provided my blog is still alive by then of course.

Most of us don't know each other, so when we start to read a blog there is not preconception, and we get to know the person through their thoughts. But what would people who know us personally think when they read our posts. Well friends will not be surprised, but what about your boss ? your mom? Mostly I would find it really strange to read about my parents thoughts, ideas and emotions from before I was born.

I guess I will need to have children, and then wait for them to grow up, maintain my blog for that long and just wait to see what they will think of their mom. I wonder that will they say ……

Yes I'm still alive !

Yes I'm still alive !

It has been ages since I took the time to write a post, a lot has been going on during the time. We had an office move which takes a lot of time and energy, traveled a bit, took a long training course, for which I still have to take an exam in order to be certified. So all in all very busy!

Well it's my blog's second birthday and I did not even mark that occasion. I guess when you don't blog for a long while events and issues pile up. That you have no idea where to start to get back to blogging, so this post is kind of shoveling the snow off the driveway so you can get out.

A lot of new stuff happened during my absence …. But I will try to cover that post by post instead of cramming it all at once. Especially with my writing skills that became so rusted.

So people in case you care I'm still alive !

Day Dreaming

Day Dreaming

This has been one of my hobbies since I was a kid. I had a wild imagination when I was a kid. what I used to come up with fascinating games to play. A large tree in the school play ground was a house and each one had a room\ branch, our legos were weapons and anti missiles. The list is endless of the things I used to come up with as a kid.

Growing up I kept the habit of just drifting away in day dreaming, making future plans, imagining what I would do if something might happen, this is actually recommended by many experts, they claim that if you can imagine yourself succeeding in something you will be able to achieve it. Old time psychologists warned against day dreaming, but it has been found recently that it is beneficial.

I don't really care if some expert says its good or it's bad, I enjoy it immensely and it's my way of planning my future and my actions. I hate surprises! Well not all surprises but the situations that need a reaction or a decision from me, which I did not have the time to think about and analyze. So by day dreaming I get to think of situations that may or may not happen, this way I'm not ambushed.

Lets say day dreaming, helped me plan, relax, and prepare my self for upcoming events ….it may sound silly or freakish but that's one of my little secrets.

Veteran moms ….HELP!

Veteran moms ….HELP!

Enjoy your time before you have kids …these are best days of your life, they will not last long so enjoy them …..kids will kill any joy you have in your life….these are examples of actual things mothers told me, I can see that they love their children to death, but for some reason children are a burden, I know taking care of children especial a few of them, is not an easy job. But I was shocked !!

I mean I would love to have kids some day; actually I would love to have a lot of kids. But I'm just shocked! I mean I started thinking, will I loose my life for hem, and will my career suffer? I look in the eyes of some of the mothers, and I see bitterness which is very scary to me, bitterness is such a negative feeling. Is it's natural to feel that way?

I understand that a mother cannot decide on the spot to go for the weekend to Lebanon, or go out to see a movie without planning for it, but when did the need to be more organized leave such a bitter taste. Hubby and I enjoy the fact that we can pack our bag and head to Syria or Aqaba on the spot. But will it hurt us that much to take the trip a couple of days after we feel the urge for it instead of a couple of hours?!

The advice and view point of veteran mothers would really be appreciated, but what I was able to rationalize on my own is that women who did not have much of a life to start with, will suffer a lot more than someone with different interests and life experiences. Someone who has good adaptation skills will have an easier time moving from being responsible for one person ( or should we count the husbands ;p )which is you, to being responsible for a fragile being that is totally depended on you.

The responsibility is great. but there are bright sides to having children and taking care of them, besides if you put your mind to it you can still have a life that is your own, and be a good mother at the same time, it just takes some determination, planning and understanding that you will never be perfect !

Is what I believe correct? I'm I delusional? When I'm alone I feel that I totally make sense, but when I listen to the things some young moms say I just cannot not wonder. HELP !

Louder than words

Louder than words

Actions speak louder than words ! it is a universal fact, if someone keeps boasting how generous they are you don't believe them if they don't act generously, they can say it all they like but until they show it, it has no meaning what so ever. Someone can claim they are your best friend, but until they stand by your side during tough times. Its just talk and talk is cheep.

Then comes love, love relationships including marriage, is somewhat different. Talk is not cheep it's important. I claim to men and women alike, maybe to women more frequency is needed than for men, but nonetheless equally important. Don't get me wrong. No woman would believe a man when he says he loves her, when he does not show it in another way besides words. A man who beats his wife and then tells her she is his sunshine is laying, this is not what I'm talking about.

What I mean is that it's not enough to act according to your feelings towards your husband \wife \fiancé … you have to voice these feelings, they need to hear them and feel them. Seeing the love in someone's eyes is amazing, but at times actions need to be further enriched with words. You can show your husband the respect you have for him in many ways, it will show in the way you talk to him, when you ask for his advice and how you talk bout him to others, but it would not hurt you if you tell him that from time to time, and at the same time you will affirm your actions and make him feel good.

See humans go through ups and downs, through happy times and sad ones, the consistency of your spouse's acts of love and respect is the safety blanket you have to shield you from the world, but during the rough times an extra boast of sweet words is essential. They don't have to be during bad times, they are equally important during good times as well; they don't have to be as frequent and as constant as our actions, but are as important.

Jordan Land of contradictions

Jordan land of contradictions

In answering the call for the blog about Jordan day, here I am blogging about Jordan ! even though I'm in so much pain due to the muscle spasm in my back, so it might be the pain killers talking : )

I have felt for a while that Jordan is full of contradictions, which actually gives it its distinct taste. We all can think of a million examples, but last weekend I was just put face to face with it.

Friday morning hubby and I went to "Ghamadan" park because hubby had a softball game, did you know Jordan has a softball league? You will see there people from the upper class enjoying a game they probably came across, by being abroad for part of their lives. Expensive cars, a LOT of airheads, but I have to admit a lot of fun !

Saturday, I was on a trip with another lady and two of the guys who volunteer with us at Life Makers, we had a scheduled visit to the families who applied for micro project funding from us. We saw poverty; we saw perseverance, dignity and hospitality.

It is amazing how our society has the rich, who in most cases do not know of the existence of the poor. I bet if I asked one of the ladies at the softball game: can you buy an outfit for the game for JOD 65? I will bet anything that they will say: well a top maybe but an outfit I don't think so (giggles). Well why JOD 65? Because that is how much the widow we met on Saturday has as income to support her four daughters.

The list of contradictions is long, but this touched me profoundly, how we can spend in one night out, more than a family spends in a month. I guess this might be true every where in the world, but it sadness me that this is true in Jordan, and that most of us are oblivious to the fact.

lend us a helping hand !

Too many means too little

Too many means too little

Too many things going on that is, lead to too little blogging ! It has been a long while, and though I would have given any thing at many points, just to pose life for a second and take time to write. Alas I was not able to ….now I'm just not moving from here until I write a post !

So here are the things that are going on:

1- Power battles in the corporate world. Using weapons on mass control like titles and org charts! Modern day territory marking

2- Travel, I was on a business trip to Syria, it was loads of fun and I managed to squeeze in some work : )

3-Hubby finally got to understand what I mean when I say I'm moody

4- I found out that my life would be a lot better if I learn how to be more patient!

There are lot of other events, some happy ..some sad, and each of the points above need a post on its own, but we must make the best with what we have.

For each its place

For each its place

For as long as I can remember I was one of those people, who just cannot leave work at work. ALLAH knows I tried but it never worked for me. Best case scenario would be that I would think about work and receive untimely calls, worst scenario would be actually taking work home even after working for 12 hours or more.

We all know we should not do that, and that its not healthy but I could never do it. Until unexpectedly yesterday after work I was in the car with hubby and he was asking me about a particular issue at work and how I handled it, I was talking about it and all of a sudden the magical words came out, I left the office I want to forget about work.

I can't tell you how happy hubby was, and how surprised I was ! I guess after five years of work I'm finally changing my attitude, don't get me wrong I love my work and I'm the best at it, but I still would like to live my life away from it.

When you achieve all your dreams

I had no fear of that happening to me since I have a lot of big dreams. Thus I never even thought of the concept. Well that is till this weekend when I was talking to mom and I said if I had X amount of money, I can achieve a lot of my dreams( financial ones) and then concentrate on the other great things I would like to do.

Mom said " achieving all your dreams early is not a good thing" she then told me this story –part of a novel- of a Moroccan merchant who was not married and was very well off, one day a man asks him why don't you go to hajj, the merchant said " hajj is my long life dream, if I achieve it I will not have any thing to live for".

I may differ that since we humans always strive for more, one day's peek is the next day's bottom. But still come think of it the fun part of achieving the dream is not sitting at the top but striving up hill. For granted achieving a goal feels great but achieving all of them and not having anything to look forward to is a scary concept.

Things can only get better

Things can only get better

They say once things reach rock bottom they can only get better, well I sure hope they are right. Sine I feel very sad and angry!! and all the anger and frustrated thinking left me with no energy. Funny how I had in the past month great and happy things to blog about yet I did not have the time. Now that I'm feeling down I'm making the time.

It seems that the long weekend came just in time, I have some files ready to take home and work on, but I'm really tempted to leave every thing at the office, and just kick back and relax! I think that will clear my mind and I might even change my mind about resigning. but I just can't think straight now,the thing is the only thing I can think of now is that I need a hug and a nap.

So what does rock bottom look like?

Blank page

Blank page


Its that time of the year again. With all the parties, food, sweets and new year resolutions, one has to stop and think! Some think about the holiday pounds, some lament the passing year, some plan for the future. I find myself not to be any of them. You see I still feel a bit dizzy from the changes in my life and work.

I cannot help but feel that every day is a gift and a struggle at the same time. I stand one foot in this year that still has reminiscence of my old life, and another foot crossing the door to the New Year that has everything new in it. It has no recollection of me alone, of the way things used to be. A blank page if you wish.

Looking at the blank page, I feel happy for the new and exciting things that I can write in it with hubby, yet I feel a bit out of balance since I don't have a formatting to use in writing the page. This way I can be creative and free, but with all the uncertainties that come with this freedom. Nothing is perfect I guess and adventure has its perks.

So this year, no resolutions I'm buckling up and enjoying the ride!

Happy Eid, Merry Christmas…. Enjoy the food and sweets and your family and friends …but most of all enjoy sleeping in : )

Footprints

Footprints

We humans dwell the earth for some decades, some of us longer than others. Leaving footprints behind us, Legacies if you wish, some last as long as we are there to refresh them, and some linger for a very long time, even turning into a path that many people take.

Have you ever looked at footprints of someone and were able to relate to that person. I came across footprints of an amazing man, seeing glimpses of his heart and mind, last night as I went through some of his collections, going through pages he went through so long ago, looking at the treasures he gathered in his short years, I somehow related to him. Felt his existence so strongly and profoundly, that I felt I have met him.

He lived a little over four decades but left footprints that some try to measure up to, some like me just try to learn and relate, see I did not have the chance to meet my father in law, he died twenty five years ago. In some way I feel that I'm starting to get to know him. May Allah bless his soul.

Thoughts of the weekend

Thoughts of the weekend

To what end will we go to look good, how much pain will we endure? And how much money will we pay?

Why are all the beginnings scary?

Could we get so hurt, to the level that we get scared of happiness or the chance of happiness?

Sometimes silence is more profound than all the words in the world.

Matchmaking is fun : )

Priorties

Priorities

The other day Qwaider talked about priorities between work and family. I wanted to post a comment there but did not work out, besides I have a lot to say on the matter so a separate post makes sense.

At a point in your life saying work is my number one priority is very easy to say. At other times saying my family comes first is very easy too. But I guess there is always the in-between times.

Before I was engaged and then married, the answer was easy work in my priority. I worked late, weekends and had a lot of work related dinners and trips. This was only natural and I did not ever think about it, I would orchestrate my life around work, what is left is divided between family, friends and volunteer work (which I considered as part of work any way)

Then I got engaged and I came head to head with needing to make a choice. My fiancé wanted to see me as much as possible, but I have a demanding job, which meant I needed to make a decision if I will work late or just leave on time, so I can spend some time with my fiancé. Later on I got married and things became more challenging. I needed to be home after hours directly since my working hours are not that short to start with. And beside missing my husband, I had a home to keep, we had people visiting to congratulate us, and other family responsibilities.

At that point I had to decide that my husband and our life together is more important than my work, and that I have to settle for giving 100% but not 150%, that yes at times I might need to skip a dinner or taking staff on tourist trips. That I will need to turn off my phone and not take business calls at all hours of day and night.

Now this might sound so normal to some people, but this is not that easy. You are used to a way of life and a way of work, changing it (even if means less work) is not that easy. And as your whole life changes you will hold the one stable thing in your life –you job- as you are holding to dear life. This does not mean in any way you don't love all changes in your life, but no matter how great they are, they are still changes that you need to adapt to.

Mothers may face the same thing, all of a sudden they have this bundle of joy that they love, but at the same time all the responsibilities associated with it, staring to feel like they are dissolving in this new role, thus holding on to the familiar even though it might be energy consuming. This might not even be the case, but this is how I see it.

Manholia

Manholia


I was walking yesterday with hubby in down town Amman. We always have great fun there, this time more than ever I noticed my fear of stepping on manholes! Strange I knew that but there is no place in town like down town with the number on manholes! It sounds silly but I innately avoid stepping on manholes. I remember as a kid we heard a lot of stories of kids falling in a manhole and I guess it got stuck with me. Come think of it parents most likely made these stories up.

Thinking of the post I made a search about manholes and fear off, not to my surprise I found an article mentioning the fear of manholes, they even gave it a name MANHOLIA.

It’s a silly thing. It's not like I cannot make myself step on one. It's just that without thinking I avoid stepping on them.

Selfish is good

Selfish is good

My best friend, nay my soul sister has given me some pearls of wisdom yesterday. I called her up complaining about something and after a long talk from my side and her just listening to the end, she talked me through the problem and the jest of what she told me is be selfish.

Well at first this may sound like something very negative, on the contrary this is very positive, it means take care of your own needs first then the rest of the world. When you are well yourself you will be more helpful to others. Now I know this very well and I may have even mentioned it sometime before, but I guess I needed to hear it from someone else.

I have this tendency to need to help every one around me, not being able to help them or change someone's mood (for which I have a natural talent) makes me feel like a looser. This is one aspect I need to work on, at times it comes easy and I do put myself first, but I guess there is some kind of vanity in me that refuses to believe that there is something I attempt to do and fail! It’s a bit complex, I guess some of it is wanting to help others, but a part is that I refuse to believe that there are things even I cannot change.

So in some cases selfish is good !

Tamara in the kitchen

Tamara in the kitchen

Yesterday was yes the election day ( AKA holiday), but also known as my first day to cook in my new home. My mother in law is so sweet and is keeping us in a prolonged honey moon and thus she still cooks for us.

So yesterday since I was at home I decided I will cook for every one. The dish of the day was ' Kabseh" I know how to cook a great kabseh, but this is not a cooking post it’s a Tamara cooking post.

As you will notice at first I had time to take photos of the steps of cooking, but as time went by and my rusty skills stood in the way, I forgot to take at least one photo of the end Product! Cooking something that takes a lot of preparation time, Calls for special kitchen time management, and business planning skills that in my case have become so rusty.

Well at least the end product was yummy !every one enjoyed it and I passed the cooking test with flying colors, did not pass my blogging about cooking test though, but I'm sure there are many other occasions to come.

Happy elections\ cooking day!

Words my friends

Words my friends

Words are live entities that I mold to vessel my ideas and beliefs, yet I pose not knowing what to say and where to start, which amazes me even more since I was never in loss for words, words actually are my friends and its common knowledge I can talk myself out of a death sentence.

I insist to be able to chisel a few words that people can understand and tell them all about how I feel … now I understand it’s the feelings part that is the problem, I can shape my ideas into words soft and powerful but my feelings when so powerful and overwhelming seem to be a challenge.

All my life I felt that my words give life to my ideas, now I see that my words may imprison and mutilate my feelings, yet again I'm persistent to say my peace. Intro or no intro I still feel helpless …wordless when I want to breath out all my feelings….with you life has a new taste …color and new feelings have been born that my old tools stand helpless to shape.

How can words describe the feeling I have, when I open my eyes to see that what woke me up was your gentle look, as you lay there looking at me waiting for me to wake up….how can they my friends give a visible entity to the feelings I get when you softly kiss my hand just because I preparing you dinner… or when I feel protected by you…loved by you.

Sitting here in surrender I say ….words may age old friends you are not as powerful as I thought you to be.

October

October

Today I got the urge to read my old posts, it was really refreshing to be honest I enjoyed some as if I read them for the first time. So I thought let me go back to October last year to see what was going on at the time in my life, just to find out I had only one post that month ! telling people that I'm back to the country, ironically enough the only post I have for this month is talking a little but about my short trip to Beirut.

It is just a coincidence I know, but I find it so strange that with all the changes in my life and still October looks a lot like October last year, posting wise at least.

Well under public demand here are a few more Lebanon photos.